This morning while sitting at the kitchen table, he on his laptop, and me on mine, Tommy let me in on a little secret.
“I’m going to start reading your blog.”
GASP.
My heart leaped in my stomach and all of the sudden I was standing in front of a moving train. It was coming at me so quickly, I didn’t have time to get out of the way. Well that, and my feet were cemented to the tracks. It’s true what they say, your life does flash before your eyes the second before you die. Anyway, the train ran over me and I was a gross, bloody mess. Like road pizza, but not as appetizing. Unless you like dead people pizza.
“Shauna? What is it?”
I was jolted back to reality then. I know my face was the prettiest shade of lifeless white. I wasn’t sure what to say next. So I said this. “WHY ARE YOU GOING TO START READING MY BLOG?”
He seemed to be taken aback by this. “Well, all my friends read it and they tell me you’re hilarious. I thought you’d be happy about this.”
“WHY WOULD YOU THINK I’D BE HAPPY?”
He pushed back from his computer then and sat up straighter. “Well, I thought you’d like me more involved. You know, show some interest in what you do.”
Why the hell would he think that? Doesn’t he know what this site is about? This is my space. My cubby. My little corner room where I can throw tantrums and say words like ‘ball sack’ and ‘vagina farts’ without feeling judged.
One thing is for sure: his friends are no longer allowed here. Because they obviously broke the one rule I have….NO ONE TELL MY HUSBAND ABOUT THE BLOG.
Fail.
Well, it’s too late now. Now, I’m bookmarked on his laptop. Now, he’s out there. Across the table from me–reading my words the minute I publish them. And now I have to get a new website. Some undercover, super secret website. Maybe I even call it VaginaFarts.com (no one steal this domain–I call dibs).
***Holy shit***He’s reading the site right now. Good God, this is bad. But also, he just clicked the link to my book. Maybe he’s going to buy it? Score! One more sale for me! (Also, feel free to buy it if you haven’t already. I heard it’s not that bad) OH MY GOD, and now he’s giving me advice on how the site could be better. I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO BLOW. He’s been a reader for exactly 45 seconds and he’s already telling how to run this show.
Stab. Stab. Stab.
This is all my fault you know. If I wasn’t so fucking funny and uber talented this never would have happened. Tis my tragedy I suppose.
Oh well, I may as well welcome him to the program. So here goes. Honey, it’s nice to have you aboard. Remember, everything I write is fiction and actually the opposite of how I really feel. And when I say opposite I mean *not* the opposite. You have been warned.
Love you, mean it.
Also, a note to Tommy’s friends. You are forgiven for throwing me under the bus like that. And I totally agree with what you all said to Tommy about me. I am funny and I totally *should* do this for a living.
I bought AND read your book. It’s a good one! Everyone should totally buy at least 7 of them for Xmas presents.
Also, HI TOMMY!
bwaaaahahhahahahhahahahhahaaaaaaaa…..
At *least* 7!
Oh this is a terrible turn of events. When I realized that my husband was reading my blog I had to start off my posts about his family and my step-children with the disclaimer *note to husband, the point here isn’t really about your family, it’s about me. Also, I have no idea if it can be done, but I told him that I have a service attached to my blog that was set to alert me when he was reading it and, frankly, I thought the amount of time he spent there was a bit obsessive.
I may try that whole “service” thing. Thanks.
My husband told me that he didn’t read my blog but I found it in his history! (I was looking for a site, not snooping!) I was paralyzed! I hate it that people I know in real life read my blog. I have pissed off a lot of people with what I’ve written in my own personal space. I use my blog as a way to vent and deal with my depression and I can’t do that like I used to now that everyone reads it. Fuckers.
You know, I don’t mind anyone reading EXCEPT him. It’s the only place I feel like I can bitch and throw tantrums! Now, ruined.
It’s said that open communication is the key to a strong marriage. Thus Tommy should start his own blog. Maybe call it “SleepFarts.com”
SleepFarts.com is the BEST name for a website. I’m going to suggest that to Tommy. As LONG as he makes it clear that I don’t fart in my sleep. Naturally.
You could also talk about ballclaps. You know, the sound balls make when they slap against a man’s inner thigh or against… something… else.
I’ve never heard this term before. But it totally makes sense. Thanks for sharing.
We could have him killed. Or just blinded. That way he can’t read it. Bonus: He will totally not know if your thighs get big enough to blow out your jeans.
You’re in TROUBLE.
Good plan. I’ll put you down as an accomplice.
Ugh, I am so happy my husband doesn’t read my blog. On the other hand, if he did, he probably wouldn’t tell me. He’s Swiss, they are not a sharing people. Shit. That train thing is sounding kind of familiar now. Need a co-blogger at your new secret place? Maybe call it VaginaFartsAndHighHeels.com?
Maybe he can guest post for you!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
when someone asked my hubby is he read my blog his response was “read her blog? i live her blog!” he’ll read it every once in a while and say “you sound so angry on there.” i hate it when he sees how much i bitch about him. oops!
Sorry Darlin’, but VaginaFarts.com was purchased by someone back on 4/10/2006; looks like Doug Ward beat you to it.
Here’s the info: http://www.dnstools.com/?count=1&lookup=on&wwwhois=on&portNum=80&target=VaginaFarts.com&submit=Go!
@ TG! If you have trouble with the “girly” words let me know….I have a Thesaurus we can share…..