So by the time you read this I’ll be on a plane to Orlando. As in Florida. As in Mickey Mouse’s town. Who, by the way, I’m totally afraid of. I mean, the dude sounds like Michael Jackson. And we all know what happened to HIM.
Things have been weird.
How weird you ask?
Weird, weird.
Like, the last few days I’ve woken up in the middle of the night to the sound of somebody whispering my name in my ear–except there’s NOBODY THERE.
Then, I discovered that words like JEDI, YETTI (which I learned only has one “t” which probably explains a lot), BALLSACK, and LAMESAUCE aren’t actual words on Scrabble. Oh trust me, the masterminds behind Scrabble have already heard from me on this subject. I noticed that 5 minutes ago I was added to their Do Not Respond To list. You know what that means…I totally WIN.
Also, I found out that I’m like one of the most INFLUENTIAL people on Twitter. You know what influential means, right? It means I have unlimited powers. Like I could tell people to eat the gristly part of the meat AND THEY TOTALLY WOULD. side note: I promise to only use my powers for good. Well, mostly.
Things are getting pret-ty out of control at home. I mean, I cooked–TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW. My family is all, “What’s wrong Mom? Are you dying or something? Do you need to sit down? Can we pour you some wine? What Is Wrong???” I’m like, “No. I’m fine. I *want* to do this for you.” And then I cough uncontrollably. They immediately insist I lie down and then they rub lotion on my feet and serve me dinner in bed. It’s like the best trick expression of love, EVER.
I’ve noticed lately? That colors are more vibrant and wine tastes better. My therapist thinks that might be some glitch in my medication, but I think it has something to do with the fact that George Clooney has gotten WAY better looking in the last few months. As IF that was even possible. Still, Dr Fix Me wants to chat further about this. Whatev. Ooh, is that BLUE you’re wearing?
Speaking of medication, I’m for it. Even if that means you sip NyQuil in your closet just to get through the night. I mean, who am I to judge.
This whole thing with people in third world countries eating puppies has got me all upset. When I heard that you could go to the market in…oh, I don’t know…CHINA…and pick out a cute little puppy to be slaughtered for your dinner I was all, “I’m going to China and putting an end to this RIGHT NOW! How DARE they eat baby dogs!?” And then I found my Collie taking a dump in my favorite pair of shoes and I was like, “Who wants fajitas for dinner?” Yes, I’m talking to YOU, Leona. Shit near my Jimmy Choos again, and we’ll see just how good you taste when served with guacamole. I’m not even joking.
And lastly, it’s weird that another year has passed. Especially when I don’t remember most of it. Probably because of all the wine. And NyQuil. And fajitas–that I’m pretty sure weren’t made from dogs. God help me.
BUT, what I do know is that I’m grateful for all of you. YOU are the people who keep me sane. Ish. And for that, I owe you muchly. (add that to my list of acceptable Scrabble words)
PS. If you don’t hear from me, check Mickey’s alibi. That guy is sketchy if you ask me.
PPS. I just got this email from my mom. Mind you, she lives about seven miles from me. “How are you? Well, it’s snowing here again.” See? The BEST. I’m *still* laughing. And that says a lot. Seeing how I’m all influential and shit.
PPPS. I still have no uterus. I don’t know *why* I thought it would grow back after my surgery to remove it, but I know one thing for sure. I’m never going to believe anything I read on WikiAnswers again. Screw you, Dr. Larry from Spokane! It’s your LIVER that grows back–NOT your UTERUS. Dumbass.
PPPPS. Also? Dumbass–not a word on Scrabble. Well, not yet at least.
Lamesauce is SO a word. I’ve made it, seen it and tasted it.
Welcome to Orlando! I’ll keep an eye on Mickey for you. But who’s going to keep an eye on me? Cause I might kidnap you for entertainment while you’re here.
I’ll make sure there’s lots of wine.
IS this just a ploy to set me up for rubbing lotion on your feet next week???
Because you know I would have totally done it REGARDLESS.
You’re going to be back by January 6, right?? RIGHT? Please tell me you’re still coming to my book club or I might get really depressed and eat my dog on accident because it’s December and we haven’t done any grocery shopping aside from getting ingredients for cookies and pies all month which means we have zero normal food in the house and my ass is getting bigger. Seriously, it’s starting to grow sideways. This is NOT good. And I’m already depressed. So January 6, we’re still on?? Please because that’s about the only thing getting me through work this week.
Do you have any ideas for making Nyquil taste better? I’ve tried turning off the lights in my closet and imagining I’m drinking Creme de Menthe, but it just doesn’t work.
Mickey is short for Mickey “the hands” mouse, so yeah, I’d watch it if I were you. Nice idea with the whole faux cooking thing. I might just try it.
ballsack = scrotum
nyquil capsules have no taste
No TCU game attendance?
So I shouldn’t enroll you in a puppy burger of the month club?
I am pretty sure you totally have stalkers. Which makes sense, because you’re super cute and hilarious, but would so wig me out if I were you. Of course, if I were you, I’d just stay home and masturbate. Oh wait. Does that make me one of the stalkers?!
I’m totally with Jack.
I found you on Aiming Low a ways back and started stalking you immediately. You are so funny, if I even start thinking about your blog, I tend to piss on myself just a little. Okay that sounded wierd. And stalkerish. I mean cuz I’m going to laugh so hard I’ll piss myself. But I’m sure you knew that. Don’t call the police. I promise I am not a stalker. Anyway, I know this is totally lame and retarded, but I bestowed a most amazing bloggie award on you. I am quite sure you are way above bloggie awards that are bestowed by random stalkers who piss themselves. But I heart you. So I had to give it to you anyway. It is at my blog and I will give you the link below. But if you do decide to visit my blog ever, please read my post on eating placenta. It is a real feel-good pick-me-up post, certainly good for getting anyone in the holiday spirit. And by the way, happy new year.
Bloggy Award: http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=90
Eating Placenta: http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=92
Totally funny, random, echo of my life…..you’re my new fave. Come visit!
Since you are one of the most INFLUENTIAL people on Twitter and have unlimited powers, here’s what I want to know: Do your KIDS do what you say?! Cuz then I’ll be impressed
You rock, lady. I’m so happy I found you, and so very pleased to call you friend. And “whore.” Much love – and Happy New Year, Shauna!! xox
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