When you have four kids like I do, you hardly have any time for yourself. And when I say hardly, I mean never.
Never.
If I sat here and thought of anything in the world, THE WORLD, I would want, it would be for my entire family to leave for 2 days. So I could have the whole house to myself.
Oh the things I would do. (or not do)
You have no idea.
But in short it would involve staying in my jammies all day, eating nothing but dark chocolate, watching TV until my eyes bled, going to sleep at 7, and probably most definitely not showering.
The very thought of a few days of quiet aloneness borders orgasmic.
And…oh, GOD, who am I kidding. It will never happen.
You know how I know this? Because the one time (and by one time I mean the 4 thousandth time) I mentioned it to Tommy he said, “What are you waiting for? Plan it and we’ll leave.”
Wha, wha, what?
And that’s all I needed to hear. Tommy made plans to go out of town with a friend and my mother graciously agreed to take my kids for the weekend.
Halle-fucking-lujah.
So. Weekend to myself? PLANNED.
I had already begun plotting my plan of attack on the DVR and bought fifty dollars worth of Godiva chocolates.
Bliss.
But then….
When Tommy learned I had successfully conned someone into taking the kids for the weekend (apparently he didn’t think it could be done–when will he learn that I’m like a superhero–Captain DoucheHag) he thought it would be an excellent idea to cancel his plans and STAY HOME WITH ME. You know, so we could SPEND TIME TOGETHER. The person I see and sleep with every day wanted to spend MORE time with me.
Epic Fail.
So, that’s what we did. We spent MORE time together.
And there was no chocolate, no marathon episodes of Cake Boss, Top Chef, and the Amazing Race, and no going to bed early–because of the couldn’t-be-missed UFC fight that was blaring on the bedroom TV.
Sigh.
So, I’m still here, surrounded by a buttload of people who constantly want me, need me, and who can’t stand the thought of me enjoying my life a little peace and quiet.
I present you with the evidence.
Hi. We have nothing better to do than hang around the bathroom door while Mommy pees.
My favorite part of this experience? Being asked repeatedly if I’m going number 1 or number 2.
Then, there was the closet trick. It used to work. Beautifully. I would take a bottle of wine and a snack to the closet and hide. For like 30 minutes. It was the closest thing to being alone I had experienced in a while. But then one day Tommy sold me out and told the kids where I was. It’s a wonder I’m still speaking to him.
Ah. The memories.
Finally, the other day after everyone bathed and jammied up, I tiptoed as quietly as I could to my bathroom, filled the tub to the top, and slipped in. Oh my God, it was Heaven. I sat back, closed my eyes and smiled. Yes. It’s true. I was alone. It was quiet. I was happy.
Then it happened. Someone got wind that Mommy was enjoying herself and decided she must be stopped. Two little kids burst open the door, stripped off their pjs, threw in a huge bucket of bathtub toys and joined me.
*These fish barely covered my you know whats
Long story short, what I’m trying to say is that it’s important you find some time for yourself or you’ll end up with fish on your nipples.
The End.
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG.
This post is genius.
I am pretty sure I peed after, like, the first paragraph.
Also? My husband now wants me to google fish pasties.
Sooo….thanks for that.
*note to self: Get door for closet*
Dear, you are a frigging genius!
I love you shaunaglenn, that is all.
Send the family on a cruise. Then they can’t even call you and you know they’ll be alright. Say you’re going with them, bring them to the port and then…whoops, forgot my own ticket…have a nice time!
I’m just saying those fish..yeah i think i need whales! this is hysterical and i giggled all the way through. thank you!
I love the fact that you clearly had one of your children take your photo naked in a bathtub so you could post it on the internet. That child has learned a valuable lesson.
Dude, it was totally her idea. Swear.
This is what I am asking for ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want a vacation. I don’t want to “get away from it all.” I want YOU PEOPLE TO “get away from it all.” In short, leave. Leave me alone. In my house. To do what I want. Oh the joy of freaking joys.
I would have told my husband to go to hell if he canceled his plans to spend more time with me. Oh my god that clearly sucks.
And yup, lovely fishies. I’ve got the same bath story from three weeks ago. No fish. Sad ending.
Just go and leave me alone, right?
What is wrong with these people that they want to spend so much time with me anyway?! Jeez.
I only have two kids and going to the bathroom is like fucking elementary school field trip. Except that my kids are only 1 and 3 years old. And my bathroom is barely large enough to fit a toilet. But when all three of us and the cat are in there, it seems like alot more people…I can’t wait til Mothers Day. My day of rest. Lifetime movies and ice cream, baby. In bed. Oh, yeah.
Put a sign on the bathroom door that reads: This is not a clown car.
For probably the first time ever, Patrick has a good idea. Send them on a cruise and “forget” your passport.
GENIUS.
And NICE rack.
Yeah. Sometimes I just want to lay by my own freaking pool in peace. I don’t want to make sure my kid doesn’t drown, catch him when he jumps in, or change a shitty swim diaper. I just want to relax by my own pool ALONE.
Haha. Love this. I have two kids and I feel like this. I’m definitely trying that wine in the closet trick next week. Genius.
LORD this was funny as hell. the fingers under the door, though… Yeah, I’ve been there. Kids just don’t seem to understand what a closed door means!
Holy perfect boobs.
and, I am totally filing away the closet trick.
1. Three kids, 1 husband…honey there isn’t even any “youtime”…2. that wasn’t a bottle, that was a magnum and I usually have my barrel locked in my closet, next to my hooka, bag of oreos and fabreeze…3 There is also a pirate set that goes with the fish…and the pirates rock…no comment as to whether or not the palm trees or pirates were pasties…be well…and when in doubt – drink insatiably.
That picture of you in the closet… well, I’m still laughing.
Hope you get some ‘true’ alone time soon!
I’ll be storing all of my wine in the closet now. You’re a damn genius. And I love the hands under the door.
What is it with kids and closed doors?
I too am married to that man, minus two kiddo’s. I don’t have a walk in closet, so I have to get real creative. My favorite is to buy a big box of cheap wine, discard the cardboard, and stash the bladder of goodness under my bed. It’s cheap and trashy, but just knowing I have booze under my bed makes me sooooo cheerful.
I think the closet needs a tv.
Yeah, but if I put a TV in there then my husband would want to hang out with me. And that would not be cool.
I’m trying to think up ways for exacting revenge on Tommy. And heh, fish pasties. Sweet.
Great post! So very true! I got lucky recently. Hubs had to housesit at his parents farm for a week. For two days out of that week he took our 3 imps and I had ALONE time. It was amazing. The second day I napped alot…cause I could lol. But when they got home I was thrilled.
im not having anymore kids….one is enough. i mean, yesterday i had to scoop him up and run to the bathroom to go poopoo…i had to go, not him.
I thought my kids would eventually outgrow the neediness, but apparently and 9 and 14, they still feel the need to want to be around me. GAH.
I so need to get some of those fishies.
ahahahahaah I love this
Ummm…have to ask…are those boobs REAL…as in not jello implants?! Cuz I need some of those…and I swear I am not gay…just jealous
You are bold Boobygirl!
Too, too funny! The fingers-under-the-door-thing must be universal. I never get alone time either (I would’ve wanted to KILL Tommy if I were you! And, unfortunately my hubby probably would’ve done the exact same thing — dammit!) The need for alone time is why I have become an extreme night owl. Weekend nights from midnight to 2 a.m. are blissfully peaceful!!
Take this and add to it two elderly parents who live me, one of which has Lewy Body Dementia. If my bedroom door is shut, it is not to be opened unless something is broken, bleeding, burning or dying (that’s the rule). It is totally ignored as is the shut door. If I lock it, it will be banged on until it is opened. There goes the peace and quiet. My life 24/7 And this is my 83 yr old dad who has Lewy Body Dementia. Says he doesn’t remember the broken, bleeding, burning or dying rule. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! I can sympathize.
Oh, and yeah, I wish my boobs looked like that. Doubly depressed now
This is funny ‘cuz its true.
It is impossible for me to go to the bathroom without at least one of my girls coming to ask for something. My toddler does the hands under the door thing too. She lovingly says “Hi Momma” until I open it. When I do open the door, I find her with her cheek pressed to the floor so she can see my feet.
Yeah no privacy, ever. I feel your pain sister!
From my experience as someone who has seven (7) children, the bathtub was a sanctuary. The kids knew it too.
You are crazy but also absolutely hilarious. And stacked.
Holy Perfect Boobies, Batman! Whoooooaaaaaaahhhh!
You are just awesome. I love you for documenting the incessant demands. They’re like zombies after fresh brains.
In other news, The Hubs and I got interrupted not once, but twice, last night. THEY. JUST. WON’T. GO. AWAY.
I’m getting a deadbolt.
I guess I’m very successful…have it all!
By choice, every day…
However, it took me 30 years….have faith! You won’t be too old to enjoy your freedom I promise
My husband’s news that he’s not leaving for the west coast tomorrow has just sent me into a case of terminal disappointment. From 7 to 3 I could have had my house to myself for a week.
Back to going to Starbucks to get my alone time.
I think this may be why sleepaway camp was invented. The catch is that you have to wait until June, and you have to conduct several weeks of preparation before you finally load the little darlings on the bus and bid them a fond, tearful farewell.
I’m sorta new. kinda. But this is by far the FUNNIEST post I’ve read.
Nice rack.
There are fish on my nipples right now. Big ones. And I am about THIS close to stepping on those fingers coming from under the bathroom door. Metaphorically, of course.
You are too damn funny. I’m gonna ask the wife if she’ll put fish on her nipples. I’ll bribe her with chocolate and report back.
I have finally found a way to get some nice relaxing time to myself. I simply go in the bathroom with my MP3 player and music playing in my noise cancelling ear buds while I have a boom box in the bathroom playing different music to drown out any other noise and not only do I lock the bathroom door, I barricade it with a dining room chair and bring the key in the bathroom with me. I have yet to be interrupted! I’ve even been known to drink wine and Twitter from my phone during this uninterrupted child and husband free time! Good luck!
If your husband hadn’t been home, who would have taken that picture of you in the tub?
Oh, how I dream of being in the house alone for the weekend… way better than having to run away on my own. Why is it that this almost never works? And WHY are the children oh-so needy all the ding-dang day?! And why do they ALWAYS ask if you’re having a #1 or #2 in the bathroom? ? Uch. Kids wreck everything. And, they’re the greatest joy. Sometimes. Okay, seldom. Okay, this job sucks – there. I said it.
boobs!
You should send the fishy picture over to http://www.whymomdrinksrum.net for the Boob Emancipation Project! (http://boobemancipation.com/)
Very funny post.
thank you for this post shauna!! my hubby read it and then told me “why don’t you have a weekend to yourself?” he (we) was drunk when he said it but I so reminded him this morning!
Gorgeous rack!
Nice fish, dude.
Even after reading this post, I desperately want four kids! Love your sense of humor and how you weave more serious thoughts throughout and then end with that picture. Hilarious.
nice fish….