Holy god, my jeans are tight.
And not in the cute way that jeans are tight, where your butt looks curvy and you just want someone to squeeze it while saying, “honk, honk.”
But in the gross way where people wince and point and cry out, “oh shit–pig wrestling!”
Side note: if you’ve never seen a butt you want to honk or had your butt honked, you’re missing out. Butt honking is the best form of flattery. Or so I’ve been told.
Anyway, since Sunday all I’ve done is eat.
It’s totally disgusting.
Cookies?
We’ve baked them.
Every day.
(I have crumbs on my keyboard and half a cookie hanging out of my mouth this very second)
Turkey and dressing?
Eaten.
For breakfast even.
And also, seconds.
Coconut cake?
Devoured.
As a bedtime snack.
Wine?
A plenty.
Goes really well with chocolate chip cookies, by the way.
Dinner rolls?
Buttered.
Chips and dips?
Chipped and dipped.
Pulled pork tacos?
Yeah. They’re already hanging out in the back pocket of my pants.
And you know what?
I’m fucking starving.
Like. Starving, starving.
What is it with this time of year? If I didn’t know me I would swear I was malnourished.
And hadn’t eaten for weeks.
Which we all know to be untrue. I mean, certainly you read how I eat out of the trash can right?
People should not eat this much.
Like ever.
But I’m SO hungry.
It’s all I can think about.
Well, that and how my clothes are getting tight.
See my conundrum?
Mmm. Conundrum is one of my very favorite California wines.
DAMMIT!!!
See?
Jesus Mary and Joseph, someone please stop me.
I woke this morning all set to go jogging. But then I got sidetracked when I opened the fridge and saw the huge pan of leftover cornbread dressing. And gravy. And cheese dip. And taco shells.
So I made a huge plate of food instead. And SWORE I’d walk it off after it digested.
Then, it was time for breakfast.
Eggs, bacon, toast.
Fuck.
Afterwards, I volunteered to wash the dishes. Washing dishes must burn off like a zillion calories right?
Wrong.
I looked it up.
SEVENTY FIVE CALORIES IN AN HOUR.
It took me exactly 7 minutes to wash the dishes.
That’s like only….OK, I don’t know what 75 divided by 7 is…I’m a writer, not a math wizard.
But I do know this. I ate a buttload more calories than 75 divided by 7.
And I got all depressed.
So you know what I did?
I made a sandwich.
True story.
But I only ate half of it.
I put the other half in my purse for the movie.
Oh yeah.
We went to the movies.
And I got nachos.
And peanut M&Ms.
And a diet Coke.
Cuz that’s how my brain works.
There’s NO fucking WAY I’d get a regular Coke. Do you *know* how many calories are in one of those?
I may be a pig but I’m no dummy.
It’s diet or it’s no go for me.
That’s my motto.
(the inconsistencies astound even me)
So.
After the movie we went out for a late afternoon lunch. I ordered a grilled chicken wrap–which sounded pretty healthy. The little kids each ordered a corn dog and then proceeded to not eat it. That left me no choice but to shove my relatively healthy meal out of the way and eat the corn dog instead. Just one, not both. That would have been disgusting. (although for the record I totally could’ve eaten the other one)
As we pulled into the driveway I scolded myself. Again. For like the 5th day in a row. Because seriously? I’m out of control.
And you know what pisses me off the most? I can’t even blame the Bush administration anymore.
Fuck. Me.
PS. Thanks to my awesome friend, Adam, our Christmas cards are done. I think they turned out awesome!!
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
I can attest: YOU CAN EAT!
If I didn’t know you and had not snuggled up to you, I wouldn’t know you were so skinny.
bitch.
Now, suck it up and do as the fat girls do. Buy the next size up and admire how you really do look better in this size. Then in a few months, you can start this all over again when those jeans get too tight.
you’re welcome.
AND, awesome card!
lol. you crack me up. Been reading up on your blog since my kids are gone. You’ve kept me sane the whole week.
Of course you know you’ve just given us all permission to grab your butt and go “honk, honk” when we meet you. It’s a compliment!
hehe
As long as you’re drinking Diet Coke, you should be fine.
And here when I thought I was tired and all ready to go to sleep…
Now I’m hungry!
And Happy belated Thanksgiving, by the way. I’m Canadian so I forget these things.
LMAO i giggled all throughout this post because it describes me to a T (why do people even say that?) this week. Im like constantly eating (and starving!!)
Love the Christmas card—-beautiful pictures. The trick to surviving Thanksgiving week without gaining weight is to let someone else host it and don’t take home leftovers. But then the whole week you’re like, “dammit, why didn’t I host it so I could have turkey tacos and cornbread stuffing pancakes for breakfast!” Screw it. I say go with the flow….It’s essentially a month from Thanksgiving to Christmas…..we should eat our way through the holiday season and then spend January and February purging and running. It’s the only way to go.
Pack some of it up and ship it up to my house. I’ll sacrifice myself for you.
Shauna,
You know i love you. Slash I Am Not At All Jealous of You, and Your Awesome House and Your Awesome Pool, and Your Awesome (let’s just say the way you look, because it makes me feel like less of a loser), and Yeah-Tommy’s OK Too, in-a-he-could-be-my-dad-if-he-weren’t-young-enough-(barely)-to-be-my-(MUCH OLDER) brother-kind-of-way-slash-you-know-what-I-mean.
Big kudos to TG for NOT posing alone in the holiday pix.
Also kudos to anyone who has never met Shauna for believing this BS about her size. She is H-O-T hot, and full of shit.
Love you, Shauna. You are awesome.
You are absolutely hilarious!!
Now there’s just more of you to love. Or, you’ve just become a Bigger Bitch. Either way… win-win.
And that card is just beautiful – hope you didn’t have to sell your soul to that devil. Oh wait… soul? Never mind.
xoxoxox