I could hear him coming. I always can. Because the man cannot walk across the room without shuffling his feet.
And it tends to grate on my already fragile nerves.
I turned to face him with obvious disgust on my face.
“What?” he asked.
“The feet shuffling. It’s getting worse. It’s a wonder you don’t have splinters wedged into the bottoms of your feet from constantly sliding them on the hardwoods. I mean, are you in training for something? Like the Annoying Olympics? Because I think you’re a shoe in for the gold medal.”
This is not the first time he’s heard this from me.
“Whatever. At least I don’t fart in my sleep.”
Wha, wha, what??
“I DO NOT FART IN MY SLEEP!”
“Um, yes, you do, Shauna. Like all the time. It’s so bad it wakes me up.”
“You LIE! How dare you spew such untruths! Take it back!”
“No. It’s true. You fart in your sleep most nights.”
Gasp. Gasp. Gasp.
I glare at him. I use my eyes to burn fiery stabby daggers into his face. In fact, in my mind he’s nothing but a crumpled puddle of hot goo. And it’s getting all over the floor. Great. Another mess for me to clean up. OK, so maybe not goo (because that sounds like it would be hard to mop up), but more like a neater pile of hot something. But what though? Yarn? Yes. He’s now a crumpled puddle of hot yarn.
He was standing there, looking at me. “What is it? What are you thinking?”
“I’m wondering if I’d be able to dispose of your body by myself or if I’d have to get someone to help me. Who could I trust?”
He laughed then. “Because I said you fart in your sleep you want me dead?”
“I don’t fart in my sleep! Stop saying that! I mean, how do I manage to go all day without, you know, passing gas, and then BOOM! When I’m sleeping it all suddenly comes out?”
“Exactly. You need to fart more during the day.”
“I DON’T FART IN MY SLEEP!”
“OK, Shauna. You don’t fart in your sleep.”
Obviously tired of the conversation, he turned and walked out of the room.
I yelled in his direction, “I knew you were lying about it. You’re just mad because I pick on you for shuffling your hooves.”
“Whatever. Sleep farter.”
*STAB STAB STAB*
All right, so who wants to help me clean up this pile of hot yarn?
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
ill help you get rid of your shuffler if you help me get rid of my snorer…
deal.
You totally fart in your sleep.
I DO NOT FART IN MY SLEEP!
Sleep Farter. Hah..getting Farty winks.
I can neither confirm nor deny the allegations presented in this article.
I plead the 5th on knowing any such information.
Angie, You KNOW I don’t do this. Tell them.
We have the opposite issue in our house – my husband pretends that I don’t fart becuase ladies don’t fart. I’m asking him “What do you think that smell is from then? What was that sound?” Sheesh. Regarding his annoying habit, my husband is the loudest slurper ever – not only liquids, but also semi-solds, like chili. Who slurps chili and how is this even possible? And he likes to hold his bowls rather than let them rest on the table.
My wife farts in her sleep, too. If I wasn’t so busy trying to find clean air to breathe, I’d think they were things of beauty.
You’re a good husband.
We have this same argument in my house, except that apparently we BOTH fart in our sleep. I swear he does it, and he won’t believe me. He swears I do it, but I can’t imagine letting them rip while getting much needed beauty sleep.
I’ve started blaming it on the dogs.
We blamed the dog.. until she died. Ugh. I have no one to take the fall now.
Sounds like it’s time to get a new dog.
hahahahah conversation had.
So with you farting in your sleep and Angie snoring in hers, I bet your room on that trip was a symphony of bodily sounds. Poor Ali, unless she belches in her sleep?
Perhaps some cork from your wine will silence your sleep farting.
Ali is the perfect person to ask about this. We slept in the same bed for 5 days and I can assure you I didn’t fart in my sleep.
Farting is a man’s job.
I’m going to pretend I never read this.
Girls don’t fart. They fluff. Or so I’ve been told.
Seriously. I had a friend (one of 5 girls in a boy-less family) and they actually called passing gas “fluffing.” I ate chili dogs at that girl’s house one time, and there was nothing fluffy about the aftermath.
Also, holy shit. How many people follow you now? I remember way back when there were only like 6 of us who commented, Ellen, me, your dad, and a few others….but now, the secret is out that you are freakin’ hilarious.
Do we have to untangle the yarn? Or just pick it up and shove it in a bag? Do we need oven mitts? I may or may not be willing to help out.
Shoving it in a bag sounds fine to me.
Sleep farter.
Why is it that I, a 40 year old woman, am cackling away like a teenager at this post? I guess I will never outgrow fart jokes.
My hubs totally farts in his sleep. But he also farts at the breakfast table too, which is worse.
Is there a knitting guild nearby that we can take the yarn to? It would be a shame to waste it all and just throw it out.
My husband says I fart in my sleep too. And I so totally do not. Nor do I have smelly poops. Because I’m a dainty lady, thank you very much.
The woman I’m married is Scottish and they call farts “pimps”. Brings a whole new meaning to “pimping something”.
I’m sure they smell like pixie dust and angel’s breath.
Well, “IF” I farted I’m sure that’s exactly what they’d smell like.
Now I know the truth.
….women fart.
Ignorance is under rated.
My guy accuses me of this but I’m sticking with you. It can’t me true.
Shauna doesn’t fart in her sleep.
She is a wonderful-smelling bed-mate.
I can work with the farts. I’m the only female in a household of 3 boys/men and 2 male animals (Dog and Cat). What troubles me and makes me want to pull my hair out.. are the clearing of the throats in the wee morning, the countless blowing of the fog horn noses. Do boys/men have to be so loud? And no, we do not fart, we are princesses.
Girls don’t fart! They FLUFF. teehee.
And you can count yourself lucky if you have one bury-the-body friend.
At the rate your husband is going, you may be relying on her sooner than later.
I would take foot shuffling any day over my husband asking me to “come look at this” or “come smell this, I swear it doesn’t stink” while he is in the bathroom.
This is so funny. I needed a good laugh today. Even the comments had me laughing!
Just found your blog. Amazing! Finally something honest and refreshing. I was getting sick of the “God wants me to be perfect, I’m a baby carrier, granola fruit cake” blogs!!!
Why thank you. We kinda like it too. Welcome. Hope you brought wine. You’re gonna need it.
I didn’t bring wine. I’m pregnant. How about CHOCOLATE?! or bacon. mmm. I love bacon!
Howdy thank you for the write-up, I was searching for your Facebook page so I may like it. Will you guys be adding facebook connect anytime soon?
{ 1 trackback }