If you didn’t win, blame Adam. Or better yet, I’ll hold him down while you junk punch him

OK, so I was supposed to name the winner of the “Three things you’d be embarrassed to buy together” contest yesterday but I was too lazy. Plus there was the whole sleep farter story which I felt needed to be told. Because of the tremendous and outrageous lies going around about me farting in my sleep. And I think I was able to prove that Tommy is a huge liar.

Anyway, without further delay, here are the results as judged by my pal, Adam (aka Avitable)…

After much consideration, I narrowed it down to three contenders. I tried to look at the humor level of it, because the funnier the combination, the more embarrassing it could potentially be to purchase.

First, there’s Maria with her timeless entry of “Immodium, a mop and bleach.” Poop is always funny, but it’s even funnier when it’s explosive diarrhea that covers an area with the force of a firehose.

Second, we have Laurin’s “A camera, Quaaludes, and a one-way ticket to France.” This is funny for absurdist reasons, and maybe if you were the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, this purchase would make sense. For anyone else, though, it would just end up with a really disappointing photo of the Eiffel Tower.

Finally, we have MJ’s “Crisco, a hedgehog, and a bottle of tequila.” This is evocative of the famous Richard Gere urban myth, which is completely untrue unless you are a small permanently scarred gerbil named Furball.

But because Shauna is a not-so-closeted Nazi, she told me I could only choose one, so I picked the one that made me wince. Congratulations to Maria for her horrifying visual of a fecal-splattered bathroom that needs a steady stomach and a fuckload of bleach. You win!

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YAY Maria! Email me your address and I will send you your $25 gift card to Target.

And thanks to everyone for playing! Stay tuned for the next contest where I will ask you all to write a summary on which farm animal you would take as your wife and why. The winner will receive a truckload of hay and a box of condoms. Squee!