Here is a list of things I won’t be blogging about this week:
1. That my husband ran into my brother’s truck with MY car. I won’t tell you that he was pulling into the parking space next to him and cut it too closely and RAMMED MY HUGE SUV into the driver’s side door. Of my brother’s truck. And I won’t mention that a policeman witnessed the whole thing.
2. That every single pair of my underwear has a hole in the crotch. It’s like my girlie parts are eating their way through them, trying to get out. Or, I’m made of acid.
3. That same underwear? I just realized I’ve had since before I had children. This explains a lot. And also? This probably means I’m *not* made of acid. Which is kind of a bummer.
4. That my cat keeps staring at me and shaking her head. I swear I’m not hallucinating. She is literally sitting across from me and…OH MY GOD. SHE JUST ROLLED HER EYES.
5. That ever since I had my uterus removed, I feel more like a man. And I’m growing hair on my chin. I mean, I used to only have one disgusting black hair, and now there are 3. I also won’t mention that I’ve had the urge to scratch where my balls would be. If I had them.
6. That Tommy finds my need to tell everyone how much I feel like a man now kinda disturbing and gross. And I won’t tell you that he’s not taking too kindly to my calling him my bitch. And then scratching my “balls.”
7. That I’m having a hard time concentrating because there are balls flying all around me right now.
8. That this is not a metaphor for something deeper. Ethan is literally throwing balls at me.
9. That I think the following shows are stupid: Grey’s Anatomy, Anything involving vampires, the remakes of all the old shows that were once great but now suck donkey balls (Yes, I’m talking about you, 90210 and Melrose Place), and CSI Mayberry.
10. That I can’t get any writing done because of the miniature storm trooper sitting next to me. I present to you exhibit A:
He totally agrees that the cat hates me. So he just pulled her tail. He's sorta my hero.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I wouldn’t tell any of that either.
Except the cat part. Bitch.
That’s possibly the cutest storm trooper I’ve ever seen. I had one of those a couple of years ago, but this one is pretty close.
I love little miniature storm troopers.
Who wants to spend money on new underwear?
Apparently not me. And by the sound of it, you either.
I was with you, my fist was in the air, I was grabbing my metaphorical balls…and then? You ripped on vampire movies, and I am all, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SHAUNA GLENN.
Heh.
I wish I had balls so that I felt like I was actually accomplishing something when I scratch down there.
I’m with you on vampire movies/shows(really?), remakes of old shows and CSI. And even partly on Grey’s Anatomy. Except that I can’t. stop. watching. Seriously, it’s like an addiction. No matter how ridiculous (read ghost sex) or stupid the plot line (read Gizzie), I cannot make myself stop watching the damn show. I need help.
I wish Izzy Stevens would die already. I hate her. It’s a good thing there are so many hot guys on that show or I’d totally stop watching. Yes. I hate it, but I can’t stop watching either.
I am addicted to your site..no, I am not stalking, just laughing out loud lots while reading.
Thanks for your good sense of humour, its good to laugh again. I lost my daughter 2 years ago and laughing doesn’t come easy. I have also sent your site to one of my best friends who just recently lost her son. We both need something other then tears in our days… ( yet I have had a few tears of laughter reading you.. thank you )
Stay funny… it helps me through my days…
Sharon
Sharon,
I’m so sorry for your loss. What an awful tragedy. I will keep you in my thoughts.
And thank you for the kind words. You have no idea how much it means to hear you say them.
I hope you find peace.
Love,
Shauna
So seriously. How often are we supposed to buy new underwear? Does he have to have holes?
That’s one precious Storm Trooper!
OK So I just read what I wrote after I posted that and I said “he” rather than “it” – and I PROMISE, that was no insinuation that you are a he now. chin hair and all.
Hilarious as always, Shauna. Talking about balls is a sure-fire way to get laughs. Your writing is awesome, and you rock. Your blog is a daily staple of mine, so keep up the great work.
Most writers are told they have an acerbic tongue. You, however, have an acidic vagina. One of a kind!
Maybe it’s your balls rubbing on your underwear making the holes. Or not. Who can tell?
I’ll join up on the anti-Grey’s Anatomy band wagon. Although I think Dr Bailey was a kick ass character but the whole show is just nauseating now.
I have to STRONGLY disagree with the tv vampire generalization because I don’t see how a woman of your sexified persuasion could resist the temptations found on HBO’s True Blood. It is mind blowing and Eric, the tall vikingesque vampire is incredibly desirable and rules the show with his dry wit and innuendo.
HAHAHAHAA!!!!! CSI Mayberry LOL
ugh. fuck vampires!
my dog has eaten a the crotch out of all my undies…not while I am wearing them, however.
I’m fully convinced that our pets can understand English, so yes, your cat does hate you, and she probably did slip up and expose herself by rolling her eyes at you.
My dog winks at me when I cuss.
I think she’s telling me that one of these days she’s going to let down her guard and tell me to Fuck Off.
I can’t wait.
You just bashed ALL of my favorite shows!!! Maybe that’s why we get along so well
))
Yep, I’m with the barefoot foodie (another of my favorite blog geniuses)….you had me with you all the way until you dissed on the vampire movies/shows.
2 is disturbingly attractive
I like your point about Persons, Psychology, and Philosophy. thank you for the useful pictures.In addition to knowing how people believe and react, we can also get lessons and values in these topics that we can incorporate in our writing approach and overall behavior towards writing.Jenny