Here are some things about me you probably don’t know.
*My middle name is Rae. I’m named after my Uncle Ray, who when I was a child, convinced me he had a bear living in a tree in his front yard. I have been afraid of bears…and trees…and men named Ray ever since.
*I slept in the same bed with my two younger brothers until I was 14 years old. OK, 15. Because I was afraid to sleep by myself. And I only stopped then because my parents made me.
*In middle school, if the teachers gave no homework I would make up work to do because I loved doing homework. I would show my teachers the next day all the extra work I did. They thought it was odd. My mom swears to this day that I was never dropped on my head as a baby. I was just a school nerd.
*If I didn’t bleach or color my hair I’d be almost completely gray headed. It’s been this way since I was 28.
*One time when I went scuba diving I was nearly eaten by a grouper the size of a two bedroom apartment. I’ve never been able to look at a fish in the face again. Not even our pet Beta, Douglas. His beady little eyes scream “I will devour you!”
*When I was 15 I faked a stomach ache to get out of going to church camp and ended up having my appendix removed. DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER.
*My grandparents named my butt cheeks, Precious and Adorable. And they would fight over which cheek was cuter. I think this might explain a lot of what’s wrong with me.
*When I was in elementary school I used to cry because I wanted to be a boy. Not because I wished I had a penis, but because my mom wouldn’t let me play football in the front yard without my shirt on.
*I like going to the movies by myself so I can sit in the dark and eat a hot dog AND nachos AND popcorn without feeling like people are judging me.
*I’ve never won anything in my life–except a Cabbage Patch doll–when I was 12. And then Avitable ate it. Cuz he eats the fuck out of those.
*I’m terrified of going to the dentist. They have to practically drive to my house and pick me up for my appointment. And there are usually promises of candy if I behave for the doctor. I don’t normally make it through without crying…or behaving.
I think this pretty much sums it up. It all makes perfect sense now doesn’t it.
Weirdos need love too.
***Please keep Anissa in your thoughts. For updates on her condition, you can go here.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Interesting. My butt cheeks are apparently named Squeeze Me and Pinch Me. Because my wife does that to them all the time.
RAWR
DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER…I’m laughing over here!!!!
My butt cheeks used to be Precious and Adorable. Now they are Roadkill and HailDamage.
This made me laugh out loud!
Thanks Shauna! I needed the laughs this morning. Somehow “Funny” makes one feel better. I guess it’s true…what they say about laughter being the best medicine. Least expensive too. Unless you pay a comedian. Thankfully, I have YOU. =)(=
I laughed the hardest at “Scuba Shauna”.
I am concerned about your faking illnesses, just to get ‘the drugs & surgery’. Just ASK for the anesthesiologist’s number, Sweetie.
Much love, Li
Wait, you’re not gonna PAY me?
I think you should rebel against your mom and go play football in your front yard without your shirt on right now.
If I just did and nobody saw me, does it mean it really happened?
No. Video must be provided.
Golem from the Hobbit would be all over the butt cheek.
I wish I was smart enough to understand what it means.
Interesting. I’ll have to do a ‘things you don’t know about me’ post soon.
I’m so sad that someone ate your Cabbage Patch doll. I loved my Cabbage Patch doll. I named her Trudy.
Also I’m confused… you had your appendix removed unnecessarily?
Well, apparently I really had an appendix issue and didn’t know it. Weird huh.
I agree with Adam, go play some football.
I also understand the dentist thing. I haven’t been in about 9 years and it was 8 years before that. I only went because my wife and mother in law made me go. But I got the last laugh because when I was done the dentist told me, within their hearing range, “Keep doing what you’re doing.” **middle finger promptly was extended**
Good for you Patrick. You show em who’s boss.
hate the dentist…so much so she gives me valium before i go. swish!
love going to the movies along for THE SAME REASON!!
Valium, huh? I need to check into this. Maybe I can start going to the dentist once a month?
I’ve had my boobs named but not my butt cheeks. hmm, will have to look into that.
Which butt cheek is which? I want to be able to address them properly next time we meet. I’m mannered that way.
Precious is the one on the left.
I like that about you.
Awesome. What a great idea for a post. Do you still name your butt cheeks?
I’m not particularly fond of them now. Ever since they decided to expand and steal my happiness.
As a former pshych nurse normal people scare the bejuesus out of me. Weirdos way easier to get and are a lot more fun. Love this post.
oops… can’t spell… bejesus
Ok, I AM TERRIFIED OF THE DENTIST! We totally ARE sisters, I swear. I scheduled an appointment to get my wisdom teeth pulled and I tried to cancel the appointment 3 times! My boss even came in and hung up the phone when I was in the middle of cancelling the 2nd time.
Dentists = Holy Shit I’m Scared (what is that about?)
These were awesome! I was a homework nerd, too……even brought apples to teachers I thought were REALLY smart:) Shame on me, such a brown-noser.
I bet you were a straight A student. Am I right?
So if you eat the fuck out of something? Is that like eating it out? Cuz that makes Adam sound pretty pedophilish.
Dude. Have you just MET Adam? Totally pedophile-ish.
You are a grownup now. If you want to play football that way, you don’t need anyone’s permission, dammit.
And I used to feed the groupers at the New England Aquarium, where I was in intern. They have more suck power than a Dyson.
Let’s leave your “Dyson” out of this, shall we?
My goodness – I was a school nerd AND wished I was a boy. I’d race to school WAY before just to be the first one there. And no, I didn’t have penis envy I just wanted to play football and baseball and there were no girl teams back in my elementary days. And I love to go to the movies by myself, too. But not for the abundance of food — because while I love a good Chick Flick I also like Sci Fi, Drama, Action, Horror, well….just about everything and I can’t find anyone to go with me.
Too bad we don’t live closer. I’d totally be your movie date.
This post explains SO many other posts.
See? I told you.
{ 2 trackbacks }