Note: It’s not often that I publish a serious post. But this is all I have to give. Maybe tomorrow the funny will come.
I’m not okay.
I mean, on the outside I seem fine. I get up. I play the role of mother, wife, daughter, friend, writer…
I move about the day seamlessly, gliding from one event to the other, as if on autopilot.
Focused.
Numb.
Sad.
Heartbroken.
I lie. I lie a lot. I act like everything is OK. I tell people what they want to hear. I tell everyone that I’m OK. That everything will be OK. I lie to myself.
On the inside, I’m crumbling.
Crumbling.
Sinking.
Drowning.
Dying.
And the worst part…I can’t even talk about it.
Me. The person who gets on the Internet and talks about her vagina. HER VAGINA. And I can’t talk about this.
It’s painful. It hurts like hell.
It’s confusing. It’s heart wrenching. It’s very real.
And yet, there are no words.
I can’t make myself say the words.
For me, humor has always been my armor. I can make anything funny. I’ve worked every angle of this, and I can’t find the funny.
The only thing I see before me is despair.
Earlier, I sat in the bathtub. For over two hours. Hoping maybe the sadness would wash away. I lay with my head under the water, and listened to the quiet. Begging the quiet to comfort me. It never came. Instead, I kept having to refill with hot water because the water would get so cold that I would begin to shiver.
What’s that song by Lifehouse? The one that says….”I’m falling apart…I’m barely breathing…I’m damaged at best.”
This is where I find myself.
No. Tommy hasn’t left me.
No. I haven’t lost a child. Or a parent. Or a friend.
But I have lost.
And I am sad.
And I can’t tell you why.
Because I’m ashamed.
I’m in a boat. And someone has fallen overboard. And I can’t save her. I’m stuck in the boat. Alone. And unable to help. I reach my hand out as far as I can. But it’s not far enough.
Because she has to help herself. And I have to save me.
The universe…she is one cruel bitch.
I’m running. I’m running to you. I’m almost there. I reach out to you. And then you disappear. Right before my eyes. I fall to my knees. Begging “No, NO, please don’t go.”
But you’re gone.
And I’m here. In the boat. Floating in the ocean. In the middle of nowhere. Alone.
I know how to fix it. I do. I know how to make it better. But I can’t.
Because I have no idea where to start.
Ironic, I know.
I look into your eyes. And I see. I see what you see.
I have failed.
I have failed you.
I have failed you in such an astronomical way that my chest caves in when I think of it. I can’t breathe.
The rain. It’s never ending.
And I’m still in the boat.
And you’re still without a life preserver.
I’m not okay.
But I will be. And so will you.
God I hope it’s soon.
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It will be soon.
I don’t think you’ve failed anyone. Everyone needs to take missteps and learn for themselves, and if you let them figure it out, they’ll be even stronger.
I hope that it is soon. That kind of sadness is punishing. I hope that you are being kind to yourself right now.
hope you feel better soon
if not i”l be here to listen to “not talk “about it 
just hugs Shauna. I’m sending you hugs.
I have laughed reading your column – and now I feel like I have shared your sadness. There is a way through the darkness, you just have to keep walking it.
Don’t let that black cloud isolate you. There are a ton of readers waiting to walk along side you towards the sun.
No matter what, you’re not alone in this. We, I, am here for you.
Oh Shauna, you haven’t. YOU HAVEN’T.
You are a rare gem among a world full of assholes. I know that you haven’t. But I promise to hold your hand (and even sleep next to you. heh) through this.
Like you, humor writers ache to see people laugh with them and their words, and now, on the other side of the coin, I ache with you for different reasons. I love you Shauna Glenn, and we will all be here for you to fall upon when you need us. But, you are way more strong than you give yourself credit for.
Hmnmm..You know I can totally relate to this feeling. In the last two years I lost a marriage, a job, a good friend, a brother it was the most craptacular year of my life. There were times it was so unbearable I wanted out..permanently. I am like you…always the humorous one, but when the laughter stops all that is left is the pain that fills the void. I am not going to say I still don’t have moments of incredible and intense pain, but they are less and less with each day. I stopped beating myself up with guilt and just tried to do better in my life with my music, my friends, my children. I can tell you from experience and as sure as the sun rises “This too shall pass”
I’m so sorry for your pain and your loss. I’m happy to see you didn’t get out–permanently.
Hugs to you, friend.
Writing like this is NEVER easy. And the “shame” – well that’s for you and only you to judge. You know people who really matter will embrace you.
I hide in many many ways…thru the *fake* anon internet, thru humor, thru a “happy face”…but there are many times that I sit in the tub, like you, where I can only hear my heart beating and am amazed it still pumps blood thru my body.
Sending you love. In major proportions.
All you can do right now is offer love. It will right itself as time passes. I truly believe you’ll find the right rhythm with her in time.
You have to know you’re doing the absolute best you can. You are a tremendously strong person who is giving all you can, but you can’t make people do what you want them to do. All you can do is show them the right way.
PLEASE know I love you and am here to listen and so is the rest of this internet world.
I, too, am drowning in something I’m too ashamed to talk about. Last night I sat in bed and sobbed and begged for the pain to go, for the quiet to come.
You have shown me that while I may be alone in my pain, in my boat, mine isn’t the only one in the water.
Thank you for this. It has helped me more than you know.
I’m here for you. And no…your boat is definitely not the only one in the water.
I hope you find peace soon.
xo
Sometimes, you can’t give people what they need – or what they think they need. I think that is one of the hardest things to do.
I hope it’s very soon. I hope you can find some peace with your decision, soon. You can only do the best you can.
Humour as a shield is our middle name Miss Shauna. Sending you strength girlfriend.
Friend I’m sorry you’re hurting. Sending you hugs, strength and love so you can lean on it when you need to.
ok look, I have been reading your wonderful wisdom for some time now and it is hard for me to believe that you are this depressed because your girly parts are gone, you are still Shauna……cheer up!!! and fast!!!
I *wish* this was about my (missing) girly parts.
::Hug:: And I wish I were somewhere where I could really give you that hug. You can only give what you’ve got and then you’ve got to give up to God. Don’t hold on to shame darling it will only continue to tear you apart. What is done is done and if we can’t change it we must accept it. And we’re all here for you. I’m sorry. ::hug::
I can so relate to this post I was sobbing by the end of it.
If I was there I would hug you up!
motion creates emotion. lack of exercise equates to a more depressed state. It may not be you, you may just need to induce those lovely endorphins again to feel better. Just a thought. see you Thursday.
You need to talk to your doctor. Anethesia can cause depression and I’m sure you’re going through some hormonal changes too. It may have triggered a bout of depression. Kind of like post-partum depression in a weird sort of way.
sometimes having to face our inner deamons really shows us who we are. everyone needs time to reflect about what good or negative. we need to feel alone to know how to get past our skeletons. if there was something you did or someone you hurt, nothing is worse than hurting yourself in turn. stand strong – allow your words to help and comfort you…by no means are you alone. for 5 years i haven’t had any clue who i am, what i want out of life and really haven’t loved myself..I haven’t done anything illegal, hurt anyone or anything but inside i know that i am better than this and i am settling for allowing myself to bullshit my way through each day with a fake smile rather than truly love each and every thing about it. humour is armor and profanity my shield… and i’ll smash the bottle of wine in my hand and use it as a sword if you’re not nice…be well girl.
I know I feel like this a lot. The lying thing? Constantly. But based on how good a friend you are to me, I am confident that you are doing your best in the other areas. You are a great person, remember that – and also very very loved.
Hmmmm…. we love you. You’ll be fine, but you know that.
“this blog follows the life of a fictional character. i know, i know, it sounds like it could be true, and some of it is. but it’s mostly WAY exaggerated and not meant to be taken seriously”
I hope this is the voice of the “fictional” character and not really you!!
oh hon, I am sorry that you are so sad. No pressure to be funny, I appreciate you being honest. Hugs hugs hugs
I’m sorry. I know how awful depression can be, even if I don’t know what you’re dealing with right now. There are lots of people trained to help with depression and I hope you can find some of them to help you, not to diminish what you’re going through at all. Just don’t be afraid to get help.
I’m so sorry, Shauna. Just know that you’re allowed to be serious. Funny isn’t required. I don’t know what to tell you as far as how to fix this, but I hope you figure it out. Big hugs to you.
I understand every feeling you describe because I deal with it every day as well. There is no explanation and there is no certain solution. Some days are better than others and it’s how long you allow the rougher days to affect you. It’s a fight. A seemingly impossible fight, but it’s not impossible. You have to look around you and soak in the love and joy from friends and family and that’s your ammo. I dunno how much help I can be, but I can relate and understand if you want someone to just listen. I’d be happy to just listen. Sometimes talking it out helps as well, it’s a purge of those feelings from your system.
Instead of Firehouse, put on a little Bob Marley’s No Woman, No Cry. “…Everything’s gonna be alright.”
Hugs and love.
Shauna- If you need to talk to a neutral, out of the loop person, I am here. Email me and I’ll give you my cell…
SG- Been there. Post Viet Nam days were brutal. Gobs of alcohol, weed , and etc. only numbed. Find the person who holds the lifeline for you and use them to help you through your depression. The past is the past. Your focus must be to the future and the well-being of Shauna. Take care of that and the surrounding stuff will take care of itself. It appears lots of folks out there love you and would forgive you of anything. Do the same for yourself. Love…
NU
Oh, Shauna…. I have totally been there, if it helps to know you’re not the only one. For me, finding a good, competent, and welcoming therapist was absolutely key. It was one of the most difficult things I had to do, when crying seemed like a significantly better option, but I was glad I did it. Even when I just sat on that couch and sobbed. If you can bring yourself to try and find someone to talk to, I would encourage that.
I’ve felt that way before and it fucking SUCKS. Don’t feel like you have to be funny every time you post, Shauna. Those of us who really care will keep reading even if you’re not. xox
Look at all this support you’re getting from your friends and readers! I’m giving you support too. I don’t know what loss you’ve suffered, but just remember that it’s as much the hardships we bear in life as well as the successes and the achievements that shape us. Nothing bad can last forever. That feeling of helplessness will pass, and things will get better. And for now, look at how many people you have here to lean on.
Oh my gosh! I am so sad for your helplessness, your hopelessness. And I know hearing trite phrases right now will wash right over you. I’m so glad you have this writing outlet (funny or not) to let go of this heavy, sad burden you’re carrying. I hope you see from all of the comments here that you are loved,that your message is valuable beyond your family and “real time” friends. Just want you to know there is one more person out there (me!) thinking of you, wishing for you, hoping things look brighter soon!
Take care of yourself and know there are lots of people out there who love you Shauna. I’ve been in a funk lately and really beating myself up mentally and can’t quite seem to put my finger on the why but, like you, I’ve been ashamed to admit it.
Hang in there! I hope this passes soon. I hope just writing about it and putting it out there that it helps.
Here for you. Always!
Hey, yo.
I didn’t know a thing about you until last month. But after you made me laugh til I was sore on numerous occasions, I started to feel comfortable with finding the humour in my own life. Sure, I was depressed, but reading your posts sowed the seeds for my inspiration.
So I guess I’m just trying to say thank you. Thank you for helping me when you never knew me.
And I’ll say a prayer for you… I hope that doesn’t weird you out.
i’m here if you need to talk…bitch…scream…whatever.
Oh, Shauna. I’m sending you a hug from Austin. Hopefully it won’t get in a wreck on I-35.
I really suck at this stuff so I just wanted to say I sympathize with whatever you’re going thru. It takes a lot to knock the funny out of someone like you so I know this is heavy. Hang in there, chickie.
The song is “Broken” by Lifehouse. It’s a personal favourite.
I don’t know what’s wrong, but I do know that humour as armour fails sometimes. Sometimes we have to vulnerable to our thoughts our feelings; to our pains both that are caused by others and that we cause others. It’s a part of life and without knowing that pain, we can’t know true happiness.
I don’t know what you are ashamed of, but I do hope that you are able to work it out with one of your friends, and I do hope that they are able to give you the kind of comfort you need to learn that how bad you think it is, is probably not how bad it really is – not to lessen your pain, but to tell you that it never really is as bad as we think it is when we keep it inside.
*super hugs*
I’m grateful to all of you for your kind words.
You have no idea how you’ve touched me.
I will never forget how you all picked me up when I was down.
Love. Big, big love.
I’m a newbie in the Shauna Glenn fanclub, and I’m so very sad that you are having such a difficult time.
I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, so I’ll just send you hugs, all the way from Chicago.
Which is where the next Aiming Low party is going to be, right? Huh, right?
(((shauna)))
Shauna, yesterday’s post was the funniest damn thing I have ever read. I was still laughing out loud today. I think that people who can make observations that are that clever are people who feel deeply. Perhaps looking at it like this may help – being able to feel that deeply means that you are on the highly developed side of the human evolutionary scale. Wishing you well – AG
I can relate, although I have the feeling of “I want to go home” It makes no sense but I feel like I just want to go home….
Dearest Shauna,
I feel your pain. I do not know you, as I am a newbie to your post. I have some ‘shoes’ similiar to the ones you have on now. I am sorry for your pain and sorrow. If at any time you feel the need to chat to some anon person send me an email. No judging. For who am I to judge anyone? Just listening and a shoulder for you. I am here. Hugs.
K=0)
I hope you feel better soon! Hang in there.
OMG! Hang in there. I’m not having the best week either…Take care. Hope it gets better!
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