The post you wish you hadn't read

So by now you’ve probably noticed there’s really nothing I won’t talk about–much to the chagrin of my family.

But I can’t help it.

I share. I over share. And I’m on drugs.

The being on drugs thing is temporary, yet necessary. And probably the reason I’m able to say this…

I’m constipated.

Like. Way.

Like, I haven’t *gone* since Monday.

This probably explains why I look 6 months pregnant. I’m full. I’m bloated. I’m stabby. Like for real.

And I’m starting to panic.

Why can’t I go to the bathroom???

There’s a breakdown in the system. Obviously.

While in the hospital I informed the nurse that I hadn’t, you know, gone….So she brought in and inserted the BIGGEST suppository I’ve ever seen in my life…up my bum. Sidenote: I now know what prison sex is like. Dude, I’m SO not going to prison.

Anyway, after insertion was completed, I waited for the *magic* to happen.

It’s been two days and I’m still waiting.

Since operation Suppository Up Me Bum, I’ve eaten chocolate cake, chili, a sandwich, Cheerios, and more chocolate cake.

I’m seriously about to blow.

And I can’t think of anything else besides going to the bathroom. I’m obsessed. And also high on pain medication–which I’m told isn’t doing anything to help the not being able to poop thing.

I called the doctor and left a message that basically said “Hi. I’m totally dying from lack of poopage. Please call me back. If I don’t answer assume I exploded.”

And because I’m obsessed with my current state of constipation, I’m not able to think of anything to write about except my current state of constipation.

So… don’t worry about me. I’ll just be over here in the corner, obsessing about not pooping.