Today is the first day I get to drive since having surgery a week ago. I must admit it was a little scary getting behind the wheel. Before I put the key in the ignition–which by the way, is a story in itself. Since I haven’t *used* the car in a week, I had NO idea where my keys were. Not being able to find your keys when you’re in a hurry to get the kids to school on time is an Epic Failure. Anyway, they were exactly were you wouldn’t expect them to be–in the car. FML
Anyway, I went over all the important steps. The gas is on the right. Check. Brake on the left. Check. R means reverse. Check. D means drive. Check. N means Not Going Anywhere But If You’re On A Hill You Will Roll Down It. Check.
I fastened my seat beat and said, “All right. Here we go.”
Harley buckled herself in tight to her car seat and we were off.
Hey. Whatdoyaknow. I could still do it.
And I was happy.
I noticed Harley was quietly staring out the window so I turned down the radio and asked, “So, anything you want to talk about?”
The sound of my voice must have broken the spell she was under because she answered, “Yes. I have a question.”
I smiled. “Great! What is it?”
“Do you shave your legs anymore?”
OK. Not exactly a question I was expecting, but whatever. “Yes. I still shave my legs.” Instinctively I reached down and felt the stubble on my right calf. It’s been at *least* a week since I’d shaved.
I looked at her through the rearview mirror. She seemed to be puzzled by my answer. “Why do you ask?”
“Well. Gran says she doesn’t have to shave anymore. That when you’re older the hair stops growing.”
What the hell?
Gasping. Gasping. Gasping.
I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. “Harley. Gran is in her 60′s. She’s *a lot* older than me. I’ve GOT hairy legs. I can STILL grow hair. In fact I can grow hair like nobody’s business. You wanna feel? Feel my legs. They’re super hairy. Go on. FEEL MY LEGS!”
I *may* have overreacted just a smidge.
I went on.
“AND…I’m not OLD. I’m in my 30′s and…”
Before I could say anymore she chimed in with, “BUT YOU’RE ALMOST 40. IN LIKE 4 MONTHS AND 10 DAYS YOU’LL BE 40.”
“Wait. Are you counting down to my birthday, Harley?”
She made a face. It was the face that says You Are The Dumbest Person I’ve Ever Met. “Duh, Mommy. I’m marking off the days on my calendar.”
“But why?”
God. How long does it take to drive to her fucking school? Can’t we BE THERE YET?
“Because my birthday is right after yours. And I’m gonna be 8. You know what that means don’t you?”
Wait. So this is not really about me after all? I find this a little disappointing.
“No. What does it mean?”
“It means I get to have a birthday party sleepover. Remember? You promised.”
I was now bored with this conversation. I liked it a lot better when we were talking about me being old and turning 40 and not being able to grow hair on my legs anymore.
We pulled up next to the school then.
“Yeah. Whatever,” I said, totally deflated.
“Awesome! See you later Mommy. Glad you remembered how to drive.” She got out of the car, slammed the door shut and waved as she rolled her backpack down the sidewalk.
Kids. They’re so self involved. It’s always Me, Me, Me.
I wonder where she gets it from. Oh yeah. Tommy.
Hey: Also, check me out over at AimingLow today. There’s a new story posted.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t let it distract you. It’s always about us.
Fuckin’ kids…
PS…Shave your legs, you hairy beast.
Frickin kids and their frickin brains.
Shaving legs is over-rated. Plus, if you save it for *special* occasions, it works like a mating call. “Oh honey….I shaved my leeeeeeegs.”
Kids. Who asked them, anyway? Don’t they know how to stay on topic?!!
Visiting you at your lovely new home.
And kids. Who asked THEM?
The question should be where children get their manipulation skills. You totally got sucked into a conversation about one sensitive subject so that she could confirm an earlier promise for the sleepover. If that girl’s only 7, you got a lot more to worry about down the road. You got played like a fiddle.
As for the shaving part, I did not know women eventually stop growing hair. That’s kind of odd since us guys develop hair in new places as we get older. Oh well, still a better deal than having a vagina and all the pain and problems they cause through birthing and what not. Perhaps I should stop fighting off the rich old cougars, their legs might be silky!
Guess what? I turned 40 this year.
And the other day, while I was hiding from my children in the bathroom (eg: taking a 10 minute pee) guess what I found? One snow white pube. Forget about the hair going AWAY, it turns white first. I needed a shot of tequila at 2pm when I saw that bad boy.
This is sick……I just saw a “little person” and immediately thought of Shauna……I think I need counseling.
Congratulations. You’re now on the same level as me. I promise you your family will be so proud. Embrace the idiocy.
I can so relate to this post. (And, I’ll tell you why because apparently it is not about YOU or YOUR daughter, but ME.)
I just got out of a cast on my right leg, which meant I wasn’t allowed to drive or shave my leg for 6 weeks. It was the scariest thing ever to see that baby when the cast 1st came off. Doesn’t it feel soooo good to drive yourself somewhere?
Hope your vagina feels much better!
OMG! Harley was a little stinker this morning!!! That’s OK, so was Lauren this morning. Must have been in the air or something!
LMAO..about who she gets it from. Tommy is ALWAYS in the doghouse!:)
LOL
Driving after a week. I was told no driving for two weeks. Maybe I will cheat. Maybe.
Tell your daughter that 40 is the new 20.