If you need a measuring stick for crazy, look no further

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I learn new things about myself all the time.

The latest?

I suck at being lazy.

If I don’t get out of this bed soon I’m going to stab someone. Oh, but wait. I have no access to stabbing things because I’m stuck. In the bed. With only my laptop, the remote control, and a huge bottle of Milk of Magnesia.

I must say in regards to my lack of pooping thing, I am impressed and humbled by your response. You people sure know a lot about Things That Make You Go Poo.

All I have to say now is…Um, how do I shut it off? Seriously.

Anyway, you cannot begin to imagine how bored out of my skull I am.

I’ve tried to work on my book, but I’m half zonked on painkillers. So to give you an idea of how it’s going, here’s a snippet.

And then we walked outside to the place we first met the giant ant-like creature, except he wasn’t there anymore. He had taken his rightful place in the Dairy Queen–seated in the first booth where he was demanding all the cherries. I was both shocked and intrigued by Drako’s insistence that chocolate sauce was for wimps and cheerleaders….

Yeah. Something tells me this *won’t* be a bestseller. I think I’ll wait and start writing again when I’m NOT high. Unless you like where this is going. Yes? No?

Anyway, like I said, I’m laid up with nothing to do. One thing is certain, boredom is not a good color on me. I’m all pasty and frowny and my hair is matted to my head. I look like what a girl looks like the morning after she makes her debut on a Girls Gone Wild video. Of course, without showing my boobs. Although I’m this close to flashing the Internet–you know, just to spice things up. (Just think what it could do for my career)

I’ve tried watching TV. booor-ing

I’ve been on Twitter. You WON’T believe the drama that’s happening right now. Thank God for it or I really would’ve stabbed someone by now–mostly likely, ME. (by the way, as I’m writing this Twitter is down. I repeat, someone broke Twitter. My whole body is starting to itch and my left eye won’t stop twitching. I *may* have a Twitter addiction)

I’ve watched more college football than I care to admit.

And now I’m counting the seconds until the NFL Countdown Show starts.

I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded…Pleeeeaase let me get out of the house. Just for a minute. I want to see the sun. Wait. I’ve forgotten what the sun looks like. Oh God, it’s the bright orangey thing in the sky right? Right?!

I’m losing my mind. I mean, I know my mind has been scrutinized and its sanity questioned ever since I started talking about midgets and their sexual practices, but seriously, I think I’m REALLY losing it this time.

I’m starting to forget how to do things–like drive a car, take out the garbage, write my name. Oh for the love of Pete, somebody please send wine. Er, I mean….

Oh. There’s the alarm. Time for more pain medicine.

What were we talking about?

And why am I craving a hot fudge sundae?

Weird.

Why are you looking at me like that?