Things I know for sure:
1. If you have unprotected sex, you will get pregnant. All 4 times.
2. If you ask your husband to take the trash cans to the curb, he will, but not on your schedule-on his. And that’s usually after the trash men have already passed your house.
3. If you tell your kids you’re not kidding this time, that if they don’t stop fighting you’re going to sell them on Craig’s List, you should probably follow through with the threat. Because if you don’t, they’ll never believe you when you say something REALLY important.
4. If you leave your house without wearing shoes, this will also be the day you run out of gas or get a flat tire. And let me tell you, asphalt is HOT in the summer. Plus, you look like a redneck walking down the freeway without shoes.
5. If you’re driving down the road and your 4 year old son tells you he needs to go potty and you say, “can you wait?” and he says, “uh-huh,” don’t believe him. It’s a trick and you’ll end up wiping pee off your car seat with the bottom of your skirt.
6. If you walk into the kitchen to find a huge puddle of yogurt, lemonade, jello, and mustard on the floor, and just then your son walks up behind you holding the mustard bottle, and he insists he didn’t do it? He’s totally full of shit.
7. If you have large dogs who like people food and who also know how to get on the counter you shouldn’t leave your favorite turkey swiss sandwich (with extra pickles) laying there unattended. Unless you’re trying to diet.
8. If you enjoy arguing with teenagers then you should…Well, there’s no getting around this one. If you HAVE teenagers you’re going to argue with them, whether you want to or not.
9. If you have a splitting headache it’s not a good idea to beat your head against the kitchen counter. That will only make it worse.
10. If you’re worried that one day you’ll wake up and wonder how you got where you are, just remember you thought it was a good idea at the time to get drunk.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
#10….too many times……
Funny. But why wipe up pee with your clothes? That's gross.
My husband is guilty of #2 also. More than once we have missed trash pick up. And when the trash men only come once a week, that can be a problem.
I've never heard of leaving the house without shoes. This must be a Texas thing. LOL
I learned very quickly that when a child tell you he/she needs to go potty, you pull over right away.
My husband told me that if I want something done now, I have to tell him now. Otherwise he assumes it just has to get done "eventually."
My dog – a yellow lab – eats shit off the counter. Anything. Veggies, cake, sammiches, mushrooms. Anything.
And hot asphalt. Redneck.
You are dead on with this list. Except the teenager part. Mine will be perfectly wonderful and NEVER argue with me. I'm absolutely sure of it. (Check with me in 10 or 12 years when I get my reality check…)
Thanks for the life lessons. I'll remember them all!
I drive a lot without shoes though have never had the balls to tempt fate by not having a pair with me. Barefoot on hot asphalt? Might as well be walking on hot coals. I applaud you.
Absolutely true.
#1 is also true if your lover was declared "unfertile". well. so I received my 1st daughter…
You know it all, sistah…
Mmmm…now I'm thinking of extra pickles. which is kinda sad because after laughing at the post, the only think I can think of now is pickles.
Is it ever really, truly a good idea to get drunk? My wife would say yes, but having to be the person to deal with said drunkenness, I would say no.
#1 – You're a Fertile Myrtle, too, huh? #2 – Happens every Monday around 7:45 am. The garbage truck comes at 7:30.