So first off let me say that this is not going to turn into a website where all I talk about is my girlie bits.
Having said that, I am going to talk about my girlie bits.
But only for a minute and only because I heard from the doctor. Turns out I need a hysterectomy.
Yay me!
And I told myself I wasn’t going to talk about it on here but when I sat down to start writing, this is what my brain told my hands to type. So really, I can’t be blamed for this.
Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be needing my reproductive organs any longer, but I was totally cool with growing old with them–laughing and reminiscing about all the good times we’ve shared together. Ah, if my uterus could talk.
So in just a few short weeks I will be saying Sayonara to parts of me that have been really good and useful to me in the past. Parts that once manufactured and housed little mini-reproductions of yours truly. And dammit, that makes me sad.
Heard enough? Good.
In other non-vagina news, the pain medicine I’m taking for the condition I’m no longer going to mention has made me constipated and unable to go…you know, to the bathroom. What? You didn’t think I did that? Well, I do. Or, I used to. Like 5 days ago. And now that it’s not happening anymore I kinda miss it. Doing that was the only time I ever had the chance to read. So I guess I’ll never know what happens at the end of Marley and Me. Don’t ruin it for me either. Maybe they’ll make it into a movie one of these days and I’ll find out then.
Also? Because of the medicine I’ve been sending out inappropriate emails to people. Like I told a pretty important editor-in-chief of a major magazine that my twat is broken, and then I informed the CEO of a major corporation that I wouldn’t be able to attend his conference because my uterus is falling out of my vagina. Both men were very kind in their replies, but I’m pretty sure they think I’m insane. Which is not true. I’m not crazy. I’m just high. You can recover from high. Nutjob status? Not so much.
I’ve been tweeting stuff about how I haven’t showered in days and also asking people’s opinion about whether or not I should wear a pair of jeans that have a huge hole in the crotch. By the way, the majority of the men who’ve responded said that Yes, I should wear jeans with a hole in the crotch. Big surprise there. Whereas the women have been more practical about it. Do I Have A Pair Of Cute Boxers To Wear Underneath Said Holy Crotch Jeans? Why no I do not. Being that I’m not a guy and all. But thanks for asking.
So what I’m trying to say is Don’t Do Drugs.
Or if you do, just don’t have access to the Internet. Or a camera. I *may* or *may not* have taken a picture of my holy jeans wearing crotch.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
OK, I just re-read this post and I'm pretty sure I could have my kids taken away from me. Because I sound like an insane drug addict who can't go number 2. Also? I haven't shown anyone the picture that I may or may not have taken of my crotch. Just so we're clear.
I'm so sorry about your defective girly parts. I know how you have enjoyed them and their productivity. On the plus side, I, at least, have enjoyed reading your drug-addled tweets.So there's that…
Good luck with the removal, and, really, are you SURE you don't want to keep them in a jar?
sorry your lady bits are getting re-posessed. (I hope that doesn't come across as insensitive, it was my attempt at being funny). I think lady bits are those things that you bitch about when you have a period etc, but when they are gone you miss them, its kinda like when a person makes fun of their family but doesn't want others to make fun of said family…ya know?
Can I vote? Too late? oh ok. I'll just say best of luck with everything. Hi five to your girly parts. I'm sure they had a marvelous run.
Having your uterus removed has to come with some sort of weight loss benefits, right?
Come on now… it's what's OUTside that counts…
I'm so sorry that you're in pain and need surgery! However, this post cracked me up… is that wrong?
You write so well! Keep it up… and lay off the drugs, even though pain meds totally rock the hizzouse.
Best thing I EVER did was removing said "girlie parts". First day post-op was way worse than I expected and I am a nurse!!! After that bit is ALL good!!!
Good Luck and do what they tell you to in the hospital.
You get some awesome drugs when you're post-hysterectomied I hear.
There is a silver lining to your broked uterus.
Life lessons by Shauna Glenn would make a great book. I'd buy it.
Say "GOOD RIDDANCE" to that shit!! The best thing I ever did was have a TOTAL hysterectomy! No pain and the BEST sex I've ever had! Good luck!
Ok, first of all, I love the fact that you're able to find the humor in your situation, despite that fact that I'm sure it's emotionally overwhelming in some ways. I like that about you, because it reminds me of me. I always use humor and sarcasm to get me through my own difficult times.
I'm sorry. I honestly do feel your pain, as I have to have my uterus removed soon and I am not fortunate enough to have the mini-me's running around, but I wish you the best & hope that everything goes well.
As for the drugs, claim you were sleep deprived, took benadryl & couldn't remember if you had taken cough syrup too, but… it was all the reporters fault
Geez, sorry to hear about this, Shauna. Haven't really read you before, but thought I'd take a gander since you're on my show tonight.