My husband has an illness.
Oh, you’re sweet. Thank you for your kind words and your prayers.
He’s going to need a lot of help from the big man upstairs because I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.
This illness I speak of?
It’s nothing too serious and is not life threatening–unless I stab him with the grilling fork.
You see, he is listening challenged.
So he says HUH a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Like so much that I start imagining how I could properly dispose of his body.
I think I would bury it in the yard and pretend nothing happened–or that he even ever existed.
Monday morning would roll around and his assistant would call the house around 11. “Um, Shauna? Hey, is Tommy there?”
“Tommy? Tommy who? I have no idea who you’re talking about. Who is this and how’d you get my number?”
Silence.
And then, “Shauna, is this a joke? Tommy’s not here today and he’s missed two really important conference calls.”
“Ooooh. That Tommy. Yeah, he was getting on my nerves with his inability to hear and, or listen, so I stabbed him and buried him in the yard.”
Nervous laughter ensues.
Or something like that. I haven’t got all the details worked out yet.
Anyhoo, the man needs help. If for no other reason than to save his own life.
I am a reasonable person. I am well educated. I speak clearly and enunciate my words. I don’t speak too softly or too quickly. Everyone else on the Goddamn planet can hear and, or understand me.
It is beyond me why he cannot.
He seemed to hear me just fine when we were dating. I don’t recall him being involved in some accident that left him hearing impaired.
It’s almost as if it happened overnight. And it’s getting worse by the minute.
A usual conversation goes something like this.
“Wow, it’s raining again for the 4th day in a row. I’m beginning to think the sun is never coming out again.”
“What’s that?”
“I said it’s raining again. Four days in a row now. Sun, nowhere to be seen.”
“The sun is out? Awesome.”
“No. The sun is not out. The sun is opposite of out.”
“What was that you said about the sun?”
This is about the time I start going through the inventory in the knife drawer–trying to decide which one is the sharpest. Is it the butcher knife? Or how about the serrated bread knife. Ooh, I know, the Emeril Lagasse tomato knife is a badass. I bet that would do some major damage to a quadriceps muscle.
And then I answer, “Never mind.”
He’ll then be interested in what I have to say. It could have something to do with the fact that blood is coming out my eyeballs.
“Tell me what you said.”
I SAID IT’S BEEN RAINING FOR FOUR DAYS STRAIGHT WITHOUT SUNSHINE, MOTHER FUCKER!
“Seriously, Tommy, it’s not worth repeating. Honestly, I was talking about the weather. It was a lame conversation anyway. I mean, really, who talks about the weather besides old people and people who have nothing to say to each other?”
“What’s that?”
I DARE you to find the jury that would convict me.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow…that drove me nuts and I only had to read it.
Let me get my ice pick out and help you. What? Doesn't every wife own an ice pick for this very reason?
Tommy has a classic case of selective hearing.
Try something radical, like, interject shocking news while you're making conversation.
"Tommy, sure looks like the sun — I'm pregnant — is not every coming back out."
"Many, I sure wish the sun — my parents are coming to live with us — would come out just a tad."
Works like a charm.
So, what was that you said about your husband?
Thank you for reminding me why I got a divorce (one of many reasons). Hilarious!
My husband has a similar illness — I ask him to do something, he says yes, and then I wait to see if it gets done. As if I just eventually wanted the vacuum from the basement or the baby's diaper changed. You know, like sometime this year…
Ugg I know this all too well. I too remember a time while the boyfriend and I were dating where he managed to pick up each soft mumble, maintain conversation with ease and interpret smiles and gestures as if inside my brain.
Now I get, 'What?' 'Huh?' 'Repeat that.'
When you settle on the best weapon, please share with the group.
I think when the wedding ring goes on, the man's ears close up! I have literally been telling my husband something and I KNOW he is not listening to me so I throw in "and then these space aliens landed in the front yard" and he just nodded and said "yeah, I know"!! Ice-pick-stabbing-time! Put me on your jury and you'll never see any jail time!
Stand behind him and whisper "I want to have sex" if he hears you, you have my permission to kill him after another "sun" convo – but if not, then have him fitted with those HUGE ear things that go around the back of the ear and make him wear them with his crocs
I will be talking to my husband and only get various grunts in return. I will look over, and it will turn out he is doing something important, like playing Bubble Breaker on his phone. Do share the plan when you have one!
I have that conversation often. Except that my husband is actually truly and really hard of hearing, so he can't hear me. Ever. I have to shout all the time. Every time I talk without waving at him first, his response is "what?".
Twelve years together and I want to beat the living shit out of him for something he so totally can't control.
I'm an awesome wife.
Amen. I am right there with you. NO hearing and when he does hear I think he claims to not remember. It is frightening. The kicker and the reason death is appropriate…he hears his friends and the football announcers. Are you fing kidding me?
Just found your blog and I will be back babe. And I will listen. NO worries!
Tommy is ALWAYS in the woof woof house!!!!
LOL! I'm so sorry. I gave up a long time ago. I know that I only get 20 seconds with my husband before he stops listening. Knowing that makes it easier. I speak like I'm auctioning off shit.
LMAO! Great post!
Love Keyona's 20 second limit. Will have to try the auctioneer approach at my house. Also got a spouse with "Husband Unaware Hearing" …. or H.U.H. syndrome
so I can totally understand. Thanks for sharing!
Hehehehhehe, too funny. I love the uhuhs and nuhuhs and then having to ask over and over again, is that a yes or a no????
Then get the slightly panicked blank eyed stare!
This kind of situation is ENTIRELY what arsenic is for, dollface.
Oh I think maybe my mom is operating your husband's body because you just described her to a tee!
Except she REALLY DOES hear you, and for absolutely no reason, will say "huh?" and then proceed to answer you or respond. Like, why the eff did you need to say huh? You heard me clearly woman!
Omg, next time he does this shit, call me and *I* will drive over and stab him FOR you! gah!
It's a disease not an illness. I know because my husband has been suffering from it for years. It's amazing he's still alive.
Um… I do the same thing. It's not that I don't listen, I just have trouble comprehending sometimes.
Total Greatness! No jury would ever ever EVER convict you. The men on the jury wouldn't be listening and the women would totally understand.
I am truly hard of hearing and I make my wife repeat herself and she does the whole 'nevermind" thing which really pisses me off.
Now that I know she may be going thru the knife inventory…maybe I wont be so mad.
Wow Love it! I understand the obscenities! Now he gets upset with the obscenities, but a least I know he is listening!. Seems to be working for his hearing impairment! We have been married 20 years. Did Ya hear me Honey! You #$@#$$#$ I love you @#$%%! Ha ha
I always joke when ya go to the doctor have them check for a brain tumor YOu are communication is impaired!
He gets upset! I DONT HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR! He goes to leave and I say#$%%#! He says what did ya say! I said you heard me! He says you bet I did.! Get over here #$%$# and lets have sex! That how marriage last for years! funny and sickly in Love