I win, which really by the time you finish reading this you’ll understand that when I say "I win" it’s just a fancy way of saying my life sucks.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is a good thing.

But even good things have a craptastic way of shitting on your sunshine. (say that fast 3 times and it will end up sounding like shitting on your shunshine. Do it, I swear it’s true)

By the way, this ain’t no Susie Sunshine story. So all you The Glass is Half Full people just run along. Come back another time when I’m once again all about kittens and rainbows. Unless I pick that time to talk about my disdain for the band Nickelback and how listening to them makes me want to punch kittens in the throat. Then you might not want to come back ’til a much later date. Cuz surely I can’t be hostile for more than 2 days in a row. Surely.

So, as I was saying, school, it has-a-started.

And I don’t exactly know how to tell you how an average day plays out for me except to just tell you.

A-hem.

Wake up at 6. Wake up 4 grumpy children.

Make coffee. Pour it directly over my head because I figure it works better that way. Treat my 3rd degree burns. Stop crying from the pain of the scalding coffee burns. Because of course, there’s no time for crying.

Feed, water, dress, and pack lunches for grumpy children.

7 am. Get 3 of the 4 children in the car. Drive 15 minutes to one high school, drive another 20 minutes to a different elementary school, drive home to pick up 4th child and drive another 15 minutes to yet another high school.

8:30 am. First thoughts of suicide.

Instead, I head to the gym.

10 am. Sit at my computer and do computer things. And feel sorry for myself.

11:45 am. Drop off dogs at groomer.

Noon. Pick up four year old from Preschool.

Feed, water, and entertain him.

1:15 pm. Take four year old to gymnastics. But before I do, I listen to the 10 reasons he’s giving me why he shouldn’t have to go to gymnastics.

2:00 pm. Second thoughts of suicide. Except really? I just want a nap. And maybe some chocolate in the form of a glass of wine. Instead, I drink a Coke Zero and pretend there’s rum in it.

3:00 pm. Pick up 1st grader from school. Drop her off at piano lessons. Also, receive confusing text messages from 15 year old that read “come get me now.” “No wait. Come get me in 30 minutes.” “No. Sorry. Come get me now.” “On the way, can you get me food from Taco Bell?” “Mom? Are you getting my text messages?” “You know what, we ARE going to run after all. Come get me in 45 minutes.”

3:30 pm. Consider driving my car off a cliff. Nickelback song comes on the radio further intensifying this urge. Change the station quickly and tell myself, “You can do this,” even though I totally don’t believe it. Myself is a known liar.

4:00 pm. Pick up kid from piano and head to first of two high schools. High schooler loaded, heading to Taco Bell. Food ordered and devoured. Now heading to second high school to pick up that other kid from field hockey practice.

4:45 pm. Oldest child needs something from the store. Oh, and another kid needs something from a different store. And first grader chimes in with “And I’d really like to go to Blockbuster.”

At this point, I notice I can hear my own heart beating and I wonder, “Is this normal?” My 15 year old says then, “Mom, you don’t look so good. Maybe I should drive.”

Before I am able to come up with a witty comeback, my phone rings. It’s the groomer. Where am I? The dogs are ready and waiting for me to pick them up.

OH YEAH?! WELL GET IN LINE!!!

I clamp my jaw together to keep from telling the sweet little girl from the groomer to fuck off. I mean, really, she doesn’t deserve that. I manage to get out the words, “thank you, I’m on my way.”

And that’s when the kids take that as their cue to start in on me. “What? What do you mean you’re on your way? Where are we going NOW? I wanna go home. I’m hungry. What’s for dinner? I bet you forgot to cook something didn’t you? Are we going to have to eat Cheerios again?!”

That is about the time I start talking to myself, out loud. “Frickin (nonhumanwords) Stupid (morenonsense) Inconsiderate (possiblyspeakingjapanese) A-holes.”

I whip the car in the direction of the groomer. Pull in the parking lot. Come to a screeching halt. Slam the door shut. Go inside to retrieve the dogs. Load them up. Peel out of the parking lot and steer my SUV towards home.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Wow, that was a busy day. Glad that’s over! And… you sure do complain a lot.

You’re half right. I DO complain a lot.

But my day isn’t over.

6:00 pm. Pull in the driveway. Unload everyone and the dogs. Oldest child runs to her room, changes into her soccer gear, and gets back in the car.

I take 4 minutes to pee and get the younger kids settled.

I pass by a mirror in the hall. I catch a glimpse of myself and do a double take. I stop, put my face really close to the glass, stare at myself and say, “You used to be so cute. What happened to you?”

And then I hear, “MOM, HURRY! I’m gonna be LATE!”

Oh yeah. THAT’S what happened to you.

6:30 pm. Drive 50 minutes to North Dallas for soccer practice. Sit in the car for an hour and a half doing nothing. Which, on the plus side, feels damn good. Nowhere to be. No one wanting anything from me. Complete silence, except for the music on the radio. The downside? Nickelback is on every fucking station. I WISH I was making this up. Ok, enough, Nickelback. We get it.

9:15 pm. Drive the 50 minutes home and try not to fall asleep doing it.

10:30 pm. Home and getting ready for bed. The house is completely still. For the first time today, I smile. It was a sort of I-Might-Be-Going-Insane kind of smile, but still, a smile nonetheless. And then, I fall asleep humming a goddamn Nickelback song.