Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night, soaking wet?
Yeah, me too.
And it happened last night around 1:30.
I had been peed on–by a child who’d found his way into my bed.
After I realized what it was (read: stuck my nose into my shirt and gagged) I quickly jumped out of the bed and headed for the laundry room. There, I stripped off all my clothes and threw them in the washing machine. So now I was completely naked. Without clothes. Clothes-less. Donning my birthday suit. Nekkid.
Just then I thought, hmm, I’m thirsty.
I’m naked and thirsty. I mean, did I think maybe I should put on some clothes? The thought did cross my mind. But what could happen? It’s the middle of the night. It’s dark. There’s no one around. I’m in my own home. Clothes can surely wait until after I’ve quenched my thirst. Right? Surely.
So I go to the garage and open the door. There, the dogs met me with much excitement. Side note: the dogs used to sleep inside at night until one of them (not mentioning any names *LEONA*) taught the other one how to pee and poop all over the house. It became a game we played every morning, called, Let’s Show The Blonde Bitch Who’s REALLY In Charge Around Here. Well I showed them. Now their asses stay in the garage. Ha.
I walked in the garage, pulling the door behind me. Opened the fridge, grabbed a bottle of G2 Gatorade, closed the fridge, stepped in a puddle of what I can only assume was dog piss (fuckers) and reached for the door knob to go back into the house.
The door was locked.
Locked.
L-O-C-K-E-D.
As in, you’re totally screwed, bi-atch.
And I swear to God the dogs were laughing at me. And I seriously think I saw them out of the corner of my eye, Hi-Five each other. Even in the pitch black garage.
Options, options, options.
OK. Let’s re-evaluate. I’m NAKED. I’m standing in PISS. I’m LOCKED out of my HOUSE. And I’m NAKED.
I felt my way around Tommy’s car to get to mine.
Side note: Why do we not have a goddamn light switch in the garage for moments like this? I mean it would helpful if I could SEE!
I found my car, opened the door and looked around for any stray/abandoned clothes that may have been carelessly left on the floorboard. Nothing. Well, I say nothing. There was one of Ethan’s ball caps and a pair of smelly soccer socks that are so stiff, they could probably stand up on their own. No thank you.
I decided to try and knock. Maybe Tommy would hear me…although unlikely given that…well, this is no time to pick on him…I’m the idiot asshat in this story…plus I need rescuing.
So I made my way back to the door and started banging.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Wait a few seconds.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
I pressed the side of my face against the door and waited to see if I could hear any movement inside. Also, during this time our Lab has shoved his head up my backside, in between my legs. I’ve never actually punched a dog in the mouth, but was considering this as an option now. Instead I grabbed his face and pushed him away. Inside, I heard nothing.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
It was useless. I needed to go around to the front of the house and ring the bell. And, I was still naked.
I tiptoed back around Tommy’s car to mine and climbed inside. I COULD just sleep in here, I thought. Just wait out the rest of the night until I’m found in the morning. But I didn’t really want to do that. Plus, how much oxygen is in a garage anyway. I looked at my dogs who were peering into the car. Well, if the garage is good enough for them and they haven’t died from lack of oxygen….I guess I can stick it out for one night.
UH! What am I saying? I’m not sleeping in the garage like a damn dog! (No offense to dogs)
Just then, I had an idea. It was pretty stupid and desperate, but still, an idea. I grabbed 2 floor mats from my SUV and headed for the button on the wall. I pressed it then, and up went the garage door. Now, I was fully exposed to the outside world known as my neighborhood. I put one mat in front of my boob area and semi-wrapped the other floor mat around my booty/crotch area and headed down the driveway. You know what? It sure is quiet at 2 am.
With dogs in tow, I made it to the front porch (thank God the light was off) and rang the bell. Ding-dong. Ding-dong. And then I waited. And waited.
Hello? I’m ringing the door-bell. Anybody wanna answer it?
So I rang again. This time, with gusto.
DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING-DONG-DING-DONG
And then I heard it. Footsteps. And they were headed towards the door. Thank God. Don’t turn on the light. Don’t turn on the light. Don’t turn on the light.
And then on went the front porch light.
Through the door Tommy said, “Who is it?”
I whisper shouted, “It’s ME! I locked myself out of the house!”
“Me who?” Great. Now he was fucking with me.
“Tommy! Open the door! I’m naked!”
The lock turned, the door opened. There was Tommy, standing there, completely naked–also. I rolled my eyes and pushed my way in.
“Are those…floor mats?” And then laughter ensued.
“Yes. And they’re quite handy in this situation.” I was irritated, sleepy, and covered head to toe (literally) in pee.
“But why are you naked?” he asked as he followed me to the garage.
“Because…oh never mind. It’s a long story. I just want to go to BED.”
I lowered the garage door, put the dogs outside, dressed myself, and headed to another bedroom. I did NOT want to sleep in my bed which was covered in piss.
So this morning I woke up, thinking, was that a dream? Did that really happen? And I wasn’t really sure until I walked in the kitchen and heard banging coming from the garage. I ran to the door, opened it, and found Tommy standing there completely naked. The first thing out of his mouth? “We need a new doorknob.”
This is the most hilarious story I've read in awhile. You kill me, Shauna.
Floor mats as clothes? I like it. I can just see it now being all the rage in Paris (Texas, not France)
God that is hilarious. To be a fly on the wall of that garage.
Why was Tommy naked and in the garage? You two are a little strange. You sound perfect for each other. LOL
you are my idol..did i mention!
Funny…
Hilarious story. You are too funny. And I'm glad you didn't punch your dog in the mouth.
my gardener saw me completely and i mean COMPLETELY naked yesterday…and no it wasn't a desperate housewives moment…
Best ever…I'm looking out my office door at several co-wrkers wondering why I am on the floor laughing my ass off!!!
So you got your salad tossed by your lab and I can't stop laughing. It reminds me of the time I went through a car wash naked, and without the car…
Question…do you not have a refrigerator INSIDE your house?
HAHAHAHA…thanks for the laugh. That is a great story and I'm sure it's much funnier to you after you washed off the piss and put some clothes on.
Omg that was hilarious! Thank you for a great laugh this morning!
Fuck. I can't stop laughing. And the funniest part of the whole story? Not that you woke up in piss, funny though. Not that you decided to strip and then get a drink without putting clothes on, funny too. Not that you got locked out of your house in the garage with a dog tossing your salad, hilarious though. Not that you took the car's floor mats to cover yourself up to ring the front door bell, ingenious. It's that Tommy came to the door naked and then stood in the garage later to change a doorknob naked. That, that right there my friend, is the part that takes this hilarious story up 5 levels to a story that I will chuckle over all day. Thank you.
That's a great story, Hun! =)
It sure tops my "Leg Lamp" blog!
It's moments like those, that make you hide door keys, where they can be easily be found…resulting, of course, in a nice gangbanging of your home.
Have a naughty day!
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday –
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-70.html
Note to self… when the little pee monster climbs in bed with you and lets loose, do NOT under any circumstance go into the garage while naked… okay, got it. Thanks again for the "advice" Shauna! (I realize it wasn't advice, but whatever… oh, and why do you keep the wine in the garage? You weren't looking for something else to drink were you?)
You really never made me laugh more than with this unique story
Hilarious. True slapstick.
I was wondering why you didn't just honk the horn in the car while you were in there instead of going outside and ringing the doorbell.
Of course that would probably have woken up everyone in the neighborhood except someone to let you in and you STILL would have had to ring the doorbell except with all the neighbors staring at you.
There is a urination fetish penthouse letter in this post somewhere. I just know it.
I got to use a sledge hammer on an interior garage door knob once at 2am. The first hit almost took it clean off but I had to give it a second tap for the whole thing to fall off. I'd never thought about how fast you can do that. $20 at Home Depot the next morning and it was fixed. I wasn't naked though.
I've locked myself out of my house twice in my life. Never again. You would not believe the measures I take to avoid that ever happening again.
That is a huge fear of mine whenever my husband travels. Not being naked, but being in my undies and locking myself out of the house. Then I would be really screwed! Perhaps I should keep a change of clothes in the garage, just in case.
I almost choked on my yogurt!! Thanks so much for the laughs!!
That's just freakin' hilarious.
You make me laugh!!!!!!!
Shauna, your next book should be similar to Chelsea Handler's vodka book. A short story blog book. Gather all of these hilarious stories and go!! xo:)
Funny!! The HOA put up cameras, I think, to avoid theft. I'll have to see if they caught it on tape. hahahahhahaa
I'm just disappointed you didn't do nekked jog around the block. Give the neighbors a lil show.
Mats. Nice.
As a nudist, I'm offended by the implication that there's something humorous about nudity. Or urine.
Hysterical post!
I've always believed that "naked" meant "without clothes in a state of arousal" and "nude" meant simply "without clothes." So with that in mind, were you "naked" or "nude" in the garage? Come on, admit you liked getting goosed by the dog.
OMG…I swear if you tell me this is a fictional story I'll never read your blog again.
That shit is too funny to just make up.
Completely side splittingly hilarious! Thanks for sharing, love your posts and your style.
Absolutely hilarious. You're good!I'm hitting the RSS button.
lol that's one of the funniest things i've ever read!
you should put the floor mats in the bed…..just sayin