How to ask someone if they’re OK
So recently a friend of mine has had some *medical* issues (meaning I have no idea what’s going on with this person but he’s had some wires attached to him that are also attached to a little box that communicates with the doctor’s office–sounds a little robot-y to me–but also kind of sexy in a Six Million Dollar Man kind of way–before Lee Majors got fat–and old) and I’ve thought about him several times–my friend, not Lee Majors–over the last month or so. And I’ve mostly been thinking about him (again, my friend) because the last time I was with him I’d hoped he wasn’t contagious. Me + Something Terribly Wrong + Wires = Not sexy
Anyway, it’s been about six weeks since I’ve seen him and I’ve often wondered what the tests showed.
So I was sitting at my desk this morning, trying to decide the best way to ask him how he was doing without *asking* how he was doing. Because I’m nothing if not not nosy.
After debating how in the hell you say to someone, “Hey, have you found out what’s wrong with you yet?” and not sound like an asshole, I came up with this. Feel free to use this as an outline for when you need to ask someone you know what’s wrong with him/her.
Subject line: So, um, about YOU
Hey, I never asked you about your wires. Last time I saw you the doctor told you to lay off caffeine, etc. After you were hooked up to the wires for a month, what did they find is wrong with you? Old age? Some rare, incurable STD that you picked up at the skating rink in 1987? That you’re part reptile, thus explaining your odd-shaped ears?
Seriously, I hope nothing is wrong.
I’m going to feel like a real shitty douche-bag if something is horribly wrong.
God, please tell me it’s nothing too serious.
If it IS serious, ignore this email and tell me to Fuck Off.
But if you tell me to Fuck Off, then I’m going to know it’s something serious and then I won’t know what is is, therefore prompting more emails because I HAVE to know what’s wrong with you. For your sake as well as mine. Can you appreciate my conundrum?
It’s probably best if you just tell me what the doctor said.
Of course, if that’s not too personal. I have a bum left ovary if that makes you feel any better. In fact, I wrote a story about My Left Ovary.
But you probably don’t want to hear about me. After all, this email IS supposed to be about YOU. Although, seriously, I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. You think the universe really hates me?–or is it just my imagination? Because it feels like she hates me. The universe. I call her “she” because she *seems* like a woman. And women are WAY more inclined to fuck with you than men. So in my estimation, the universe is totally a chick.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, right. You and your wires.
So. How ARE you?
(Shit, I just re-read this email and I totally made it about me. And I didn’t mean to)
I’m going to stop talking now.
Okie-dokie, this was fun.
*Edit: I haven’t heard from my friend. Which worries me because I’m thinking that means the whole he’s part reptile thing is true and he’s lost the ability to use a keyboard.
Do you think it’s contagious?