So recently a friend of mine has had some *medical* issues (meaning I have no idea what’s going on with this person but he’s had some wires attached to him that are also attached to a little box that communicates with the doctor’s office–sounds a little robot-y to me–but also kind of sexy in a Six Million Dollar Man kind of way–before Lee Majors got fat–and old) and I’ve thought about him several times–my friend, not Lee Majors–over the last month or so. And I’ve mostly been thinking about him (again, my friend) because the last time I was with him I’d hoped he wasn’t contagious. Me + Something Terribly Wrong + Wires = Not sexy
Anyway, it’s been about six weeks since I’ve seen him and I’ve often wondered what the tests showed.
So I was sitting at my desk this morning, trying to decide the best way to ask him how he was doing without *asking* how he was doing. Because I’m nothing if not not nosy.
After debating how in the hell you say to someone, “Hey, have you found out what’s wrong with you yet?” and not sound like an asshole, I came up with this. Feel free to use this as an outline for when you need to ask someone you know what’s wrong with him/her.
Subject line: So, um, about YOU
Hey, I never asked you about your wires. Last time I saw you the doctor told you to lay off caffeine, etc. After you were hooked up to the wires for a month, what did they find is wrong with you? Old age? Some rare, incurable STD that you picked up at the skating rink in 1987? That you’re part reptile, thus explaining your odd-shaped ears?
Seriously, I hope nothing is wrong.
I’m going to feel like a real shitty douche-bag if something is horribly wrong.
God, please tell me it’s nothing too serious.
If it IS serious, ignore this email and tell me to Fuck Off.
But if you tell me to Fuck Off, then I’m going to know it’s something serious and then I won’t know what is is, therefore prompting more emails because I HAVE to know what’s wrong with you. For your sake as well as mine. Can you appreciate my conundrum?
It’s probably best if you just tell me what the doctor said.
Of course, if that’s not too personal. I have a bum left ovary if that makes you feel any better. In fact, I wrote a story about My Left Ovary.
But you probably don’t want to hear about me. After all, this email IS supposed to be about YOU. Although, seriously, I’ve been in a lot of pain lately. You think the universe really hates me?–or is it just my imagination? Because it feels like she hates me. The universe. I call her “she” because she *seems* like a woman. And women are WAY more inclined to fuck with you than men. So in my estimation, the universe is totally a chick.
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Oh, right. You and your wires.
So. How ARE you?
(Shit, I just re-read this email and I totally made it about me. And I didn’t mean to)
I’m going to stop talking now.
Okie-dokie, this was fun.
Talk soon.
*Edit: I haven’t heard from my friend. Which worries me because I’m thinking that means the whole he’s part reptile thing is true and he’s lost the ability to use a keyboard.
Do you think it’s contagious?
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I can't imagine why your friend hasn't emailed you back. *snicker*
Please tell me this isn't really an email you sent someone. Because if it is, I can tell you why he hasn't emailed you back. He's still laughing his ass off–in between shaking his head in disbelief.
LOL
I really hope he wasn't hooked up to wires when he read that because it may have caused an electrical fire.
*shrugs* And??? Sounds okay to me, chick.
PS: I'm going to go with my name on this one, 'cuz I plum forgot my google username. F*ck my virginia. Why do you even let me out, Shauna?
I think I need some diagnostic wiring to figure out what's going on with me and my allergies.
You crack me up. That is all.
I would love to get an email from you that read like that. Then I would have some reason to laugh. Did I mention my life sucks right now? Sorry, I know this was supposed to be about you and I made it about me. My bad.
I am Shauna's wire-wearing friend. Oddly enough, I just read her post while sitting in the waiting room at my cardiologist's office.
First, Shauna lied. I replied rather quickly to her e-mail.
Second, when I die, I will come back as a ghost and haunt Shauna, taking particular pleasure in watching her sordid onanistic endeavors. That's if I die soon. If I die many years from now, when Shauna is old, I will not enjoy watching her masturbate. That's gross.
It's a perfect email to someone who may or may not have a serious reptile disease. It's witty enough to make them laugh but not so out there to offend.
Oh my God–First off, Tim Rogers, who knew you read my blog? Shit!
Second, I'm going to have to look up onanistic. I have no idea what the fuck that means. Why do you have to show off? Gah.
PS. I hope you're OK, Tim. You know I got nothin but love for you. Please let me know what the doc says… before you fully morph into a reptile.
Fuck this is funny. I must say that for the last month or so, you have been ON. I love reading your stuff. Makes me go SQUEE! More, more, more! (no pressure)
I'm with Wendi. Hopefully he was unplugged at the time he read the email.
Dammit woman, you are funny.
You and the Bloggess are the total bomb. And you're both from Texas. I guess that makes Texas the luckiest state in the union. I live in Iowa and there's nothing funny about Iowa. Trust me.
Sorry about your "friend" and your Left Ovary…That sucks..well at least you still have your vagina…
And yes; "The Universe" is totally a chick! Can you say "schitzo"?
SR
^^@ Tim, George Khammar S MD is the best cardiologist in Tarrant County.
I am so going to cut & paste this for a friend who I know has chronic medical issues, but she doesn't like to talk about them much, so I don't know how to talk about them, but I feel bad not asking so . . .
*hits head on keyboard*
I'm sure your children are very proud to have a mother who uses such classy vocabulary.
So, Tim? You still haven't mentioned if you're dying. Or contagious. Or reptilian.
Dying to know. I hate cliff hangers. Plus, my kid goes to school with Shauna's kids and I don't want my kid playing with hers if it turns out you're contagious and she caught it and passed it to the ankle biters. You understand, right?
Just kidding. Hope you're okay. Shauna….you are hilarious!
Anonymous~
It's pretty chicken shit to come on here and post something spiteful and then sign it "anonymous."
And as part of Shauna's longtime audience, I'm pretty sure she's a hell of a good mother.
You don't like the word "fuck?" Oh, well then you probably won't appreciate it when I tell you to FUCK OFF.
Tim Rogers! What's wrong with you?
Hey, some of you have asked about Tim and that's very thoughtful and kind.
I heard from him awhile ago and he's going to be fine. Turns out he's NOT reptilian as I'd once suspected, nor does he have an incurable STD.
But keep sending good thoughts his way. He's worth saving.
And PS: I have the best readers EVAH.
Without disrespecting Mr. Rogers, I have total wire envy now.
If getting this kind of attention only requires having wires attached, hanging from various anotomical areas, et al., I'm totally coming in tomorrow with as much medical paraphernalia as I can.
But, best wishes to him and all who migh be ill.
The Commish
Onanistic….adjective, relating to onanism or self-pleasuring.
I had to learn that word in Arabic class when I ran across it in the dictionary by mistake. So, I can say it in TWO languages now. HAHAHA.
I agree with Tim. The thought of watching you masturbate as an old woman IS gross.
Jenny,
Oh, you too have a lovely vocabulary. Your mother should be so proud… I'm guessing you're not a mother yet…