Last week I wrote a story claiming that Canada wanted me dead. Well I would like to formally go on record and say, “I’m sorry Canada. I was wrong.”
Because now I have evidence that it’s not Canada who’s trying to kill me–it’s the state of Texas.
My very own state.
Wants me DEAD!
But it’s not just me Texas is trying to kill. It’s everyone who lives here. And maybe a small portion of Oklahoma.
And I don’t know why Texas wants me dead. I mean I’ve been a loyal resident for over 39 years. But maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve worn out my welcome.
It all became clear to me yesterday when I heard the news about the new “food” offerings at this year’s State Fair of Texas. Every year they (who? the carnies?) come up with wacky new things to fry and serve unsuspecting douche bags who line up for anything battered and deep-fried. Like battered and deep-fried Snickers bars. Or battered and deep-fried Coke. Huh? Don’t ask me to explain that. I got nothin.
But this year’s battered and deep-fried something TAKES THE CAKE PEOPLE.
Are you ready for this? How about battered and deep-fried sticks of butter. Mmm. Sound good?
When I heard that on the radio I immediately turned my car around and raced home. I needed Internet access and fast! I had to find out for myself what the Jimmy Hoffa was going on. So I googled “new food at the state fair of Texas” and this is what I found.
Deep Fried Butter – 100% pure butter is whipped till light and fluffy, then specially sweetened with a choice of several flavors. The tantalizing mixture is surrounded by a special dough and quick fried. Served on a stick.
There it was, right there on the official State Fair of Texas website.
I went from being nauseated to devastated to horrified, and then back to nauseated. OK and maybe even a little intrigued.
What asshole is going to order fried butter on a stick?
Wait. What am I saying? There’ll be plenty of assholes who will eat this. People are stupid, y’all.
I’m speechless. Really I am. I am without speech. There are no words. (you might want to write down the date–I’m rarely lacking in words)
And then thinking about it some more, I realized that this is Texas’s way of knocking off chunks of our overpopulated state. Their thinking (pretty genius if I do say so myself): Kill off the dumb ones.
Which could totally be me.
I freakin LOVE butter.
OK Texas, we get it.
But seriously? Send a memo. Write a letter. Have the police escort us to the border. Anything but THIS.
Are you listening to me Texas?
What’s that you’re holding? Is that? Is that battered, deep-fried butter?
Do you have anything I can dip it in? Like ranch dressing?
New warning at the entrance at the State Fair of Texas this year: If you’re going to eat fried butter, then eat at your own risk. But consider yourself a DNR. No exceptions. Not even YOU Shauna Glenn.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Fried butter should be illegal.
OMG, I LOVE the State Fair of Texas. Fried butter? Sign me up!
This is a joke, right? WTF is the world coming to? No wonder we're FAT. Fried butter? I, too, am speechless.
I live in Australia and no one would ever eat fried butter here. It just wouldn't happen. You Americans are funny–and apparently like to live dangerously. LOL
I'm pretty sure Canada would take you in with open arms…but only if you bring us Target. No Target? No Shauna.
I sure do hope they increase the amount of EMTs at the state fair this year! People are going to be dropping like flies!
lol @ Kam. Yea, we're a lazy bunch of tv watchers, who don't want to get off our butts to live on the edge, so we do stupid stuff like overeating and call it "living dangerously."
Gah!!! Who came up with the fried butter? Weren't fried Twinkies bad enough? For the record, I haven't tried any of those weird fried things, except fried pickles, and I hated those.
Shauna, I think you're right! Someone has come up with a plan to kill off the stupid people! I will not be fooled.
I love butter too – but on a stick sounds gross. I like it mixed in with rice, or potatoes, etc – not by itself on a stick! Blech!
I'LL BE THERE IN 10 MIN!!!!!!!! lol i'm interested now….
So I'm guessing there are a large amount of cardiologists in your state…
Oh, it's just SO weird how obese so many Texans are!!! I really don't get why!?!?
I'm all about fried Snickers, don't get me wrong. But seriously? Fatty Fried Fat? Sick nasty.
She is totally not kidding….here are the 8 finalists for the State Fair of Texas fried creations contest according to the Dallas Morning News:
Meet the eight finalists in this year's Big Tex Choice Awards:
(1) Green Goblins: Cherry peppers are stuffed with spicy shredded chicken and guacamole, then battered and fried. Topped with queso.
(2) Deep Fried Butter: Pure butter is whipped, then injected with different flavors, surrounded by dough and fried.
(3) Twisted Yam on a Stick: A spiral-cut sweet potato is fried, then rolled in butter and dusted with cinnamon and sugar.
(4) Fernie's Deep Fried Peaches & Cream: Peaches are coated in a cinnamon-ginger-coconut-graham cracker batter, then fried.
(5) Texas Fried Pecan Pie: A mini pecan pie is battered and fried, drizzled with caramel sauce and topped with whipping cream.
(6) Country Fried Pork Chips: Sliced pork loin is seasoned, dipped into corn meal batter and fried.
(7) Sweet Jalapeño Corn Dog Shrimp: Shrimp on a stick is coated with a sweet-and-spicy corn meal batter, then fried. Served with a spicy glaze.
(8) Fried Peanut Butter Cup Macaroon: A peanut butter cup is wrapped inside a coconut macaroon, then fried. Dusted with powdered sugar.
Personally, I'm wondering when someone will come up with the Deep Fried Tums
on a Stick that will be necessary for those eating this crap.
One of my kids has licked or drooled on my flippin' keyboard enough now that my space bar keeps getting stuck. So every time I try to comment on this atrocity, my keyboard just starts beeping at me
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Chicken fried bacon wasn't enough last year. They had to outdo it. And how do you outdo bacon that's been chicken fried? By frying up some butter. I have no idea who comes up with this crap. Though I am a fan of the fried Snickers bar. The chocolate is all warm and gooey. Drool.
Deep fried chocolate coverd bacon was what they came up with at the fair in my hometown. Not sure what to think. Words fail me.
When I was a kid we had corndogs only and we liked it. Now kids just have to be frying everything like the world is made out of oil.
Dagnabit.
Monika's kids have gone from drinking paint to licking the keyboard. Better watch out. They ARE native Texans….one day she'll come home and her keyboard will be battered and deep-fried!
Shauna, quick! Distract them with a stick of fried butter so she can comment on your blog! HAHAHAH.
I miss Texas.
INSANE! Suck it, Texas State Fair Foodies!
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-69.html
Me, me – I'm the asshole!
No, seriously – I'm going to the UT/OU game again this year, and I make it a personal quest to take leave of my usual sensible diet/exercise routine that one day each year to partake in fried weirdness. As Land o' Lakes as my witness, I will try this.
OMG!!! I totally heard that same story! Deep fried butter – on a stick – WTF???? And why are there so many funny women in TX? you, the Bloggess, barefoot foodie…is it in the water??? Thanks for making me laugh!
Okay we were headed to the fair this year…my husband wants to line up and try all the cardio cloggers at once which is fine, I have a great life insurance policy on him, he's crazy. Actually I saw the coke on Food Network, it looks good. And the Twinkies-yum. But FRIED BUTTER. THAT IS DISGUSTING. What's the point, really? It doesn't even sound good? But if you notice a short little dude at every line, getting gradually as big around as Big Tex is tall, that would be my spouse.