My girlie parts are starting to fail.
Not in a serious way, but bad enough that things need to be done about it.
And I’m struggling with this.
Because after I have this *procedure* I will no longer be able to have children.
And I know what you’re thinking. You have four. Isn’t that enough?
Yes. It is enough. I knew the minute Ethan was born my family was complete–that I was finished birthing children.
But it was on my terms. It was my decision.
There’s something about being in control of it and knowing that at any moment, for any reason, if you wanted to, you could change your mind. You could decide you wanted another baby.
But now, the rules of the game have changed. My body has decided that’s not how it is anymore. And that has left me a little sad. A lot sad.
I don’t want to sound like I’m whining, or complaining, or being ungrateful. I know women, I’m friends with women, who struggle to have even ONE child because their bodies have changed the rules of the game. And I’m sure that sometimes those friends who struggle look at me and my passel of children or read when I’m griping about being too busy and think I wish I were you, I wish I had your problems. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I take all of this for granted. Because I do. I know that. I’m not always happy being a mother to four children. I bitch, I complain, I spew the not-so-good parts of being a mother.
I guess that’s how you know for sure that I am human.
But I know this much for sure: I’m happy being the mother to three awesome girls and one sweet little boy. I have my family and most days I am grateful for them. Even when it sounds like I’m not. I’m nothing if not inconsistent.
And now, with this latest development–my ailing vagina–it will be made final that no more children will pass through the halls of the mother ship. And you know, it should be OK. It should be. But for some reason I have it in my mind that it’s not.
I keep asking myself, why is this such a big deal?
And the only answer I can come up with is that it feels like a part of me will be taken away too.
So my question is: Do you think my gynecologist will think it’s weird if I ask her to put my uterus in a jar so that I may keep it?