There’s this woman at the gym who annoys me.
On many levels.
She’s older, I’d say at least a hundred and eleven. And for a woman over a century old, she’s pretty spunky (read: Nerve Grating). And also? She might not be human. I mean, she has human qualities, but there’s some question as to whether or not she actually IS. But I’ll get to that later.
Most days, she saunters into the gym, stakes out her usual elliptical machine and then calls dibs on the television closest to that machine.
“Can somebody please change the channel to Fox News? (First clue she may not be of the human kind) I need to watch Fox News. It’s the most fair and balanced news program on television. It says so right there on the screen.” And then she waves her arms around like a lunatic until someone in charge changes the TV to Fox News.
After successfully hijacking the television, she climbs aboard the elliptical where she spends the next 30 minutes heaving, moaning and writhing like an out of control donkey (no offense to actual donkeys).
During this time I’m usually on a machine behind her. Unfortunately. My eyes twitch and burn if I stare too long, but dammit, I can’t turn away. What can I say, I’m easily entertained/horrified. I most enjoy the days when she dons her sparkly, silver, skin-tight leggings, which are 4 sizes too small and are probably intended for toddlers. Watching her ass jiggle from behind is like being on a field trip at a sausage factory and watching grown men stuff pig parts into intestinal casings. *This is actually not such a bad thing because after my work outs I’m usually too nauseated to eat.
She wears headphones and while the rest us cannot hear the television she is nice enough to add her own commentary and insightful opinions on everything from healthcare reform to the latest gossip about Jon and Kate. She tends to lean towards the side of Kate (The second clue she may not be human). It’s ALL kinds of awesome.
This morning, she walked in and made a beeline in my direction. I looked to my left and then to my right. Hopefully it wasn’t ME she was approaching.
“I saw something yesterday in a magazine,” she said.
Uh-oh. I think she might be talking to me after all.
“Oh yeah? What?”
“It was an article, apparently written by you.” And when she said, “you” she pointed her finger in my face just so that she almost poked me in the eye. Had I not backed up some, I might be wearing an eye patch today. Which, let’s be honest, would not be a good look for me. One-eyed Shauna does not have a nice easy ring to it, nor does it make me sound hot. Unless you’re into that kind of thing–not that there’s anything wrong with that.
“Well, if it said ‘By Shauna Glenn,’ then it probably was written by me.”
Her eyes lit up then (quick side: I’ve never seen red eyeballs before. And not like blood shot eyes. I’ve seen that. I’m talking the color of her actual eyeballs were red. So I’m thinking non-human, which explains a lot and is clue number three if you’re counting) and she laughed, squealing out a barely decipherable and eery, “Oh my God, that’s YOOOOOOU?”
Yeah. That me.
“Sooooo, it was cute–enough,” she said. “I mean, it’s not really my thing, the whole, you know, writing about husbands and life and what not, you know, but still, cute enough.”
Well. Thank YOU for that glowing review.
I smiled through gritted teeth. At this point, I tried not to make eye contact with her, afraid that doing such a thing might turn me to stone. You never know with century old, red eye-balled, non humans.
What? It could happen.
“Soooo,” she continues, “did your husband divorce you after he read the article?”
Yes. My husband divorced me after I wrote an article about how if marriage licenses expired I might not renew mine.
And then I listened to myself as I replayed that in my head.
Wait. I wrote an article about how I probably, most likely, wouldn’t renew my marriage license if it expired, and my husband is OK with that?
Hmm.
I looked at century old, red eye-balled, non human woman and said, “You know, that’s a good question. What man would be OK with his wife writing something like that?”
She looked into my eyes then (Please don’t turn me into stone, Please don’t turn me into stone) and said, “If I had to guess, I’d say he’s most likely not human and from another planet.”
Well. She would know.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
"Watching her ass jiggle from behind is like being on a field trip at a sausage factory and watching grown men stuff pig parts into intestinal casings."
HILARIOUS!! Love this!
I am with Megan. That was the funniest description of someone's ass I've ever heard.
You're a riot!
What magazine is that article in? I would love to read that. It's not a bad idea either. I'm just sayin.
Funny, that sounds like the same woman at MY gym. Any possibility you're working out in Tucson?
So you like Jon better than Kate? YOU might not be human, girlfriend. Everyone knows Kate's the more stable one.
I would SO love to see someone turned to stone. I'm picturing Medusa's head – have you seen that movie? Green Lantern or something? Where Medusa's snake head and red eyes do the stone turning thing? Yah. Cool
What's wrong with Fox News?
I love your description of the century old non human lady at your gym. Priceless!
I love how you said "no offense to actual donkeys."
That cracked me up.
That lady sounds like my next door neighbor whom I'm CONVINCED is not human.
Why *don't* we renew marriage licenses? We're required to renew just about every other license after x amount of years: driver's, gun, fishing, hunting, etc. etc. Why does marriage license get a free pass to NEVER expire? And who can we write about changing this?
Ugh. I despise the people at the gym who talk back to the televisions! And they are usually old. Seriously. WTF?! I have that urge to tell them to shut their pie holes, but it is hard to break through YEARS and YEARS of Southern manners that I was taught. I guess the worst I can do is say "Shut your pie hole, please, Ma'am." Funny!
It sounds like you have totally cornered the market on non-humans from another planet. They marry you! They read your articles!
Everyone's gotta have something, right?