*I FEEL I MUST WARN YOU. THIS ISN’T MY USUAL KIND OF POST. THIS IS THE STORY OF ETHAN. AND YOU WON’T LAUGH. IN FACT YOU MAY CRY–I DID WHEN I WROTE IT. SO, FEEL FREE TO SKIP IT. I’LL BE FUNNY TOMORROW.*
Four.
That’s how old Ethan is today. My youngest child, my only son. Four.
And it was four years and one day ago that I went to my ob/gyn because I felt like a watermelon was about to fall out of my vagina. Turns out, it was a baby.
Yes, I knew I was pregnant. What do you think I am, an idiot? (don’t answer that)
It’s just that it wasn’t time. I had all my other children early, but this was REALLY early. I was only 34 weeks, 4 days. And I don’t know if you know this about little white boys, but they don’t tend to thrive well being born early. Sorta makes sense, yes?
And I had already been on bed rest and medication to stop the contractions for 2 weeks. It just wasn’t working.
So, my rock star doctor (who had delivered all of my babies and seen me thru 1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic pregnancy) put me in the hospital. She wanted to try and buy us some time.
Turns out Ethan had other plans.
Apparently, he was ready to come out.
During that night in the hospital I dilated from a 2 to a 5. He would be born on August 4th–6 weeks before his due date.
I was prepared. I was told that there was a 99% chance he would have to stay in the NIC unit. So I was ready. It didn’t matter if I was or not, there was nothing I could do. It was out of my control.
I was gonna roll with it. Besides, what was the alternative?
My family had been on alert–they’d done this with me before. When you have all of your children 4 weeks plus ahead of schedule, you learn to bend.
A little after noon on August 4th, I was fully dilated and ready to push. Although I didn’t really push so much as Ethan came shooting out, literally. One thing is true about me, I know how to birth babies.
When I saw him for the first time with his jet black hair and long fingers, my heart swelled. I had always wanted a son. And here he was.
But he was early.
I didn’t get to see him very long before the team of specialists whisked him away to the NIC unit, and all at once, I was heartbroken. I wouldn’t get to hold him, nurse him, or count his fingers and toes.
Well, not until much later.
And it felt as if someone had punched me in the gut.
But even still, I felt blessed.
I was lucky to have the E-man. After my third daughter was born, I got pregnant a year later. The day I took the test to confirm the pregnancy, I started getting severe, stabbing pains in my stomach. They worsened over time, and finally I told Tommy that something was wrong. He took me to the ER and turns out, I had a baby growing in my tubes. Before I had a chance to say anything, I was rushed into the operating room where the doctor went in and well, removed it. And just like that, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was devastated.
The next year I tried again and got pregnant again. This time I was considered high risk because of the ectopic pregnancy, so my doctor monitored me closely. At 8 weeks, we breathed a sigh of relief when we saw that not only was the tiny lima bean in the right place, but he/she had a heartbeat.
But 4 weeks later while we were vacationing in Florida, I start bleeding. I phoned my doctor and she assured me that I was probably just over doing it and that only 5% of pregnancies miscarry after the heartbeat is detected.
I’m that unlucky.
The bleeding became worse so I had Tommy drive me to the hospital. Sure enough, there was no heartbeat. I was having a miscarriage. The doctor on duty asked me what I wanted to do. I didn’t fully understand what he was saying. I needed to get back to my kids. I didn’t want to be in the hospital. I was scared. So I opted out of the D&C and picked up prescriptions for pain meds. The last thing the doctor said to me was “don’t be brave, take the medicine.” I didn’t know what he was talking about.
Until I did.
Wow. I found out that having a miscarriage is just like giving birth, but horrific.
The pain worsened over the next few hours and as I tried to be as normal for my kids and my family as I could, I was broken on the inside. Broken. Another baby lost. And I was living it in real time. I wondered if I’d made a mistake by opting out of having the D&C. At least I would have been unconscious.
It was too late now.
You don’t want to know what happened next, but it was awful. And it was over.
After that, I was done with heartbreak. I couldn’t imagine losing another child, but I so desperately felt someone was missing from our family.
A year later, I told Tommy I wanted to try one more time–to fill the hole in my heart, the void in my life.
I think he thought I was crazy, but he also knew there was no talking me out of it.
The day I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, I was afraid to be happy. I worried. And I didn’t stop worrying until I was well into my second trimester. I thought any minute something bad was going to happen and I would lose another baby.
But this time, I got to keep my baby. And if the worse thing was that he was born too early and had to stay in the hospital 6 days, I’d sure as shit take it.
Happy Birthday, my sweetest boy. You are the other man in my life. You are the reason my heart is whole.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my God, I'm crying. I didn't know you could write like this too.
Wow. Just wow.
Happy birthday Ethan!
Stop making me cry! I'm sorry you lost babies. I had NO idea. I'm so glad you have your man.
Happy Birthday to Ethan!
Well, you were right. This made me cry.
Happy Birthday Ethan!
I'm glad you have Ethan. I love reading stories about him. He sounds like a delightful child.
Thanks for sharing your story. You are not alone.
Losing a child is hard. It doesn't matter if you knew them for 5 minutes or 5 years. It's still loss.
Happy birthday to your sweet little boy.
i remember when you had ethan..mom was in the hospital at the same time. i, too, know what it's like to have a baby and have it rushed to the NICU…it was several hours before i even got to look at him and then several days before i got to hold him. it was brutal! but now look what we got…two big, growing, thriving boys!! love ya!
Your Ethan is adorable and certainly a miracle!
I have an Ethan, too… He and his twin brother, Zach, were born 9 weeks early and were in the NICU for 7 and 5 weeks. So scary!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ETHAN!!
(Oh, both of my miracle babies are doing well, also, and will be 9 years old this Fall. And, yes, I cried while reading this post, too… So close to home!)
So sweet! Happy Birthday ET!
Birthday posts always make me cry…my "baby" turned 4 in March and I still can't believe it. I know I will be a bleary eyed wreck next year when she starts kindergarten…OH MY GOD.
Happy birthday to your little man. What a sweetheart!
I did not cry… I smiled.. not because you suffered so much pain and heartache but because God sent you your miracle baby who "needed" to get out into the world as fast as he could because he knew that Mommy needed him. What a wonderful and sad story at the same time.
Happy Birthday Ethan. You are your Mommy's little blessing.
-The Mom Claire
"You are the reason my heart is whole."
*CRYING*
That was beautiful.
You ARE human and you DO have a heart and you know other words besides f*** and vagina.
WOW!
That is a tremendous story and written as only you can write it, girl. What a wonderfully great day for your whole family.
Love ya!
Such an emotionally brave post. Kudo's for having the wherewithal to write and publish it. Your little guy is a gift, obviously. And that picture of him laying on the raft? Too too precious.
Happy Birthday to Ethan!
Congrats and love to you!
xo
I lost a baby too at 12 weeks after we had a confirmed heartbeat at 8 weeks on ultrasound. I opted for the D&C though. We have Emma now though and our family is complete too. Happy b-day to Ethan!
four years ago today was my son's due date, but he came early too…too early, and got lost along the way.
this was a beautiful post, a tribute to your boy and the babies who weren't.
I know how it feels to lose a child. I have lost 2 in my life time. I burried my daughter 2 years ago and I burried my son in 92 and it is hard to lose a loved one. I'm so sorry that it happens but when GOD calls them home you know they are pertected in his grace and love
Happy Birthday, E-Man. You and our O are just a few weeks apart. Maybe one day we can all hang out. Like when your mom comes to visit us in California. Or maybe we'll hook up in NYC. Because we sure as shit ain't comin' to Texas. They shoot liberals out there.
Happy birthday to Ethan! May you have many many more and may you some day understand just how much joy and happiness you bring to your momma every day.
And boy is he a MOMMA'S BOY to the max!!!
Happy birthday E-Man, we love you!!
Ellen, Ashley and Lindsay
As a PICU/NICU we call them "wimpy white boys." I don't know what it is but the saying/theory proves itself over and over. Happy birthday to Ethan
That is beautiful. My little boy was born at 35 weeks after 10 weeks of bedrest and meds and is now a healthy 9 year old and I am thankful for him everyday. Happy birthday to your little guy.
You just made this big, strong, manly guy wipe away tears. I had to shut my office door so noone will see me.
My wife and I are thinking about trying to have a child and your story has really touched me. Thanks for sharing such a wonderful tribute to your son.
What a sweet mama you are.
Happy birthday Ethan!
Happy Birthday, kiddo.
Happy Birthday E!
Please stop this serious blog shit Shauna!
Happy Birthday, Ethan. What a touching post. Your mother isn't all snarky!
Oh, wow, Shauna. What a beautiful, touching post. How brave of you to try again, after going through such heartbreak – I cannot imagine. ((hugs)) And Happy Birthday E-man!
I love that you shared..i too have dealt with the d and c issue more then three or four times..and i have like an idiot decided not to do the d and c..and about an hour later…did regret it too!
i have a whole..but my husband is finished..sigh
happy birthday e!
Happy birthday to Ethan!
I think that 5% figure must be wrong because 100% of your miscarriages happened after you saw the heartbeat and 100% of mine after the heartbeat … I'm no math genius but it seems like maybe someone should recalculate that.
He's such a lucky little kid to be born into a family with 3 older sisters, he'll always have a date. Oh, and his mom is pretty cool too.
He's so handsome! Happy Birthday Ethan!
I loved the tender side of you, Shauna. Wish I could write how I can relate but since all of my kids were 6 months late and were 9,5lbs 8,13lbs 9,3lbs 9,9lbs and 10,5lbs…….uhm, I totally CANNOT. The two miscarriages…yeah, been there done that, don't want the t-shirt. happy birfday, ethan.
that made me cry. same way we feel about having Layton
I just love eman..from the time you were trying to sell his soccer shirt on ebay!!!!
My Daniel is four also. It is such a precious age..and he is also my only boy and my last child..I have a bond with him like no other!
Hope Ethan had a great b-day!
You are a strong, strong gal. I had a miscarriage too (ten years ago) – in fact the tattoo on my chest is in my unborn child's honor. Thanks for sharing this side of your life. Ethan is a beautiful little boy and he is blessed to have you, even if you do talk about vaginas and will embarass him when he's a teen!
Love ya.
XOXO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ETHAN! Shauna-that was great! Thanks for sharing your "other" side!
That was beautiful, Shauna. I'm having a lot of Mama-nostalgia right now too, so it hit home. It was just yesterday that I moved into your neighborhood, and said "Awwww" when I saw Ethan's stork sign up in the yard. At the time I was 24 days away from giving birth to Molly and had my 20 month old to chase. And now: Oldest about to start Kindergarten, baby about to turn 4….
Happy Birthday to E-man. And just to stop all of the sweet sad tears, I'm going to give him back his old soccer shirt for his birthday. And I'm going to tell him that it is from Spider Man and that Spidey says ALL the super heroes are wearing them.
Love you!
This Five Star Friday shit is KILLING me. Incredible post. And I'm so glad your heart got to heal.
Shauna, this is beautiful.
We have that same shirt for Chipmunk.
I want to hug you.
Happy birthday to your beautiful boy.
I'm glad that after such loss and heartbreak you have your cutie pie… love the pics!
I too went through something similiar. Enjoy your baby boy! Although he really isn’t a baby any more. I went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to my (now healthy and happy…I think…:-) ) baby girl at 30 weeks.