A pen.
That’s all I needed.
I had been given a pile of papers to fill out for one of the kid’s schools (who can remember which one?–I only have 4) and all I needed was a stinkin’ pen. And perhaps a shot of tequila.
Can I sidetrack here for a minute?
(Keep in mind I’m high right now–I blame the organizers of the half marathon I ran on Sunday for my condition–Cuz if they hadn’t put on the race, I wouldn’t have run it and therefore wouldn’t have screwed up my knee–It’s always gotta be someone else’s fault–If you learn anything from me, let it be this–Find someone else to blame other than yourself–It’s a skill that comes in handy almost daily–And it makes you feel really good about yourself knowing you do no wrong)
That wasn’t the sidetrack. This is.
Why so much paperwork to fill out for school? We’re not new. We’ve been doing this for some time now. The children are the same. Their sex hasn’t changed, nor their birthday, and they still do not have gout. I don’t even know what gout is. How am I supposed to fill in that line? To me, gout sounds like the thug cousin to trout–with a full beard and a pair of brass knuckles. And still, we do not have.
Anyway, the filling out of paperwork gives me hives. Basically I’d rather just have another pap smear–even though I’m not due until next February. But if having another pap smear will eliminate the need for me to fill out forms for school, then sign me up.
So, these forms were thrust at me and I begrudgingly reached in my purse to fetch a pen, but not before sighing my disgust rather loudly–I live for the drama.
I searched everywhere inside my bag. No pen. But I did learn something about myself as I unsuccessfully groped the bottom of my purse. I have a lot of stupid shit in there–and some of it even scares me.
Anti-fungal cream.
Um, what? Why would I have that in my purse? I don’t have fungus. No sirree. I don’t know anyone in my family who would need anti-fungal cream. So why was it in there? Am I being punked?
It seems odd to me that I would have a large, nearly full, tube of cream that’s main function is to cure fungus. The whole thing creeped me out a little bit. But you know what? I put it back in my purse. Because I figure I might run into someone who has a need for anti-fungal cream and I would so be able to help him. (I say *him* because I assume no woman would ever admit to needing anti-fungal cream. Yeast infection anti-itch medicine? Yes. But anti-fungal cream? Hell to the no).
Canadian money.
Y’all, I haven’t been to Canada since 1999. And I’m pretty sure I got this particular bag I’m carrying two months ago. So why do I have Canadian dollars in a brand new bag? I don’t even know what Canadian money is called–that’s how much I know about Canada’s currency. And yet I have it, in my possession, like right now.
Headless Barbie Doll.
Nothing’s creepier than pulling a headless doll out of your purse. Trust me on this. She was clothed and even wearing shoes, but was very obviously missing her head.
I think someone is trying to send me a message.
I held up my purse then and thought, “Wait. Is this even MINE?”
Please don’t be mine. Please don’t be mine. I must have accidentally picked up someone else’s bag, right?
But you know what? It was mine.
I don’t know what’s going on, but I think maybe I shouldn’t take pain medication anymore. It’s making me paranoid. I think. I hope. Because if what I think is happening is really happening, then there’s a deranged Canadian out there putting weird shit in my purse–like anti-fungal cream and decapitated Barbie dolls.
He clearly wants me dead. (I say *he* because of what I said earlier–women don’t own anti-fungal cream, therefore wouldn’t have it to taunt me with)
Oh God. The story was supposed to be about me not being able to find a pen in my purse and instead went terribly wrong somewhere around the words *anti-fungal cream.*
To make a long story even longer… I borrowed a pen from the man sitting next to me.
GASP!
He totally looked Canadian.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
This made me laugh.
And I think you're right, Canada clearly wants you dead.
LOL
Shauna, you crack me up. And no offense, but you sound the same on drugs and you do NOT on drugs. Love it!
How you got that Canada wants you dead just because you found Canadian money in your purse is beyond my comprehension. But you know what? I totally believe you. You're funny girl.
Why DO you have anti-fungal cream in your bag? And wasn't that a Seinfeld episode? Where Jerry is in a girl's apartment and goes through her medicine cabinet and finds anti-fungal cream?
LMAO!
You see? It's those sneaky canooks! It always starts off with a pen…
You know what's creepier than a headless barbie in a purse? Seeing a headless barbie come out in your dog's poop. That's effin creepy.
I always knew those Canadiens were up to something. And now we know what it is! To kill Shauna Glenn! It's SO obvious.
Wait, you wrote this post while on medication? I'm with Megan. You sound like this most of the time. And I love it. LOL
Today, anyway, you are apparently me. Or I have been you. The paperwork reaction is dead on, anyway. And I at least **wish** I were heavily medicated.
Shauna,
I just spoke to Canada. I'm afraid the rumors are true. They totally want you dead.
Sorry…
The Canadian dollar is referred to as the "loonie." I know, it's just so Canadian.
Seriously, why DO you have anti-fungal cream in your purse?
Dare I be the first Canadian to respond to this (Don't be scared, I come in peace)?
I can assure you that Canada doesn't want you dead. Yes, I speak for all of Canada (except the guy who gave you the pen…he could have been the one who planted that anti-fungal cream).
Yes, we have a loonie ($1) and even a toonie for $2, they must not spell it "two" so it goes with the theme…I dunno. But we fondly refer to our money as dolla dolla bills yo…just like you! (pretending I'm in a gangster rap video right now I guess)
Oh and it's CanUCK haha although I love CanOOK McSass
Longest comment ever – just feel I have to represent…think your medication is wearing off on ME.
LOVE YOUR BLOG SHAUNA!
Maybe Barbie needed the anti-fungal cream. To regrow her head? I don't know. That sounds crazy. Even to me.
oooh, this is like the beginning or a really quirky horror movie. Kind of like Scream, but the killer wears a Canadian flag instead of a white mask and a black costume,and leaved headless Barbie dolls instead of calling on the phone.
muhahahahah.
I swear I'm not high.
If you weren't married I'd totally marry you. You rock like no other, mama.
Hope your knee heals quickly. I gotta agree with the rest of the folks, you sound pretty much the same on drugs and off.
I think that makes you quite special. In a good way.
Funny! You crack me up. And I would be totally terrified to do an inventory of my purse.
I didn't understand the paperwork, either. It should all be done online, like the rest of us, you know, in the 21st century.
I think you're right to feel a little paranoid about the Canadians….our enemies to the North. At first it was just the little things that started to trickle in, hockey, barrel racing, maple syrup. Now they've got actors and comics sliding in…and now, tons of our movies are being filmed up there in that abyss they call Ontario. I think creepy stuff is going to start showing up in all of our purses soon. Maybe even decapitated G.I. Joes in "man bags." I wonder if men will be hit with mystery disposable douches since you've been tagged with anti-fungal cream. I'm so getting an alarm on my purse.
I've always thought those Canadians were up to something. Now we know what it is! They're decapitating innocent Barbie dolls! Figures.
I have a Barbie head in my purse. We should meet.
"Let's play a game."
Thanks Shauna..Now I am going to have nightmares of headless Barbies wearing Canadian flags!!..
Remind me to NEVER read your blog before bedtime again!
this is why Canada clearly loves you now go get a head for Barbie or drop in on Heather at Queen of Shake she likes 'em headless too.