my grandmother, bless her heart, is quite a character. if you don’t believe me, refer to this and this.
she lives alone. she doesn’t drive. she can’t hear. she smokes. she drinks. she’s red headed and about 4 feet 9 inches tall and shrinking–as we speak. and she’s a doll.
at 85 she’s pretty spunky, will tell you when you’re screwing up (and she uses those exact words) and can still bitch slap you through the phone if you forget your manners.
she left a message on my phone yesterday and this is what it said…
shauna, it’s mimi. you know, your only living grandparent? the one you haven’t called in 11 days. (she keeps shit like this posted on a calendar–i’m not lying–she can tell you the last time she talked to you, the last time you visited, if you remembered her birthday…or didn’t, and whether or not you called to thank her for the birthday money she mailed you) please call me when you get time. i know you’re busy with the kids and writing on your blob. my phone number is…. like i don’t know her phone number. this is about the time i started rolling my eyes.
i picked up the phone, dialed her number, and listened to it ring–9 times before she picked it up.
hello?
hi mimi. it’s shauna.
i know who it is.
how are you?
oh. i’m not too bad. i see you finally decided to call me.
yes, ma’am. i’m sorry it’s been a few days.
she interrupts me. 11. it’s been 11 days.
well, mimi. you know, the phone works both ways. you can call me too….
she interrupts me again. i’m an old woman.
sighing. i have no idea what that means.
huh?
I SAID, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
what what means?
never mind. how are you?
i’m fine. hey, i want to ask you something. i heard from one of the boys that you talk about your vagina on your blob.
that’s not a question.
i beg your pardon?
sorry. um, well that’s not exactly true. i talk about that kind of stuff sometimes, but not mine specifically. and it’s not a blob, mimi. it’s a blog. g-g-g
don’t get smart. i can’t believe you talk about that kind of stuff on your computer. you should be ashamed.
desperately trying not to laugh. i’m serious, she has the power to reach through the phone and knock me upside the head. mimi. i’m just trying to be funny. it’s just for laughs. it’s harmless.
that’s not what i hear. i hear you get on there and talk about pornography and sex.
i wonder which one of my cousins i’m going to have to kill. who would have ratted me out to our grandmother? it’s funny to hear you say pornography. i don’t think i’ve ever heard that word come out of your mouth before. have you ever even SAID that word before?
don’t change the subject. i want you to stop talking about your vagina on your computer.
yes ma’am. i will.
i mean it.
i believe you. but can i talk about my vibrator?
your what?
my vibrator. you DO know what a vibrator is don’t you?
i may be old but i’m not stupid. and no. i don’t want you talking about that either.
what CAN i talk about?
apparently she gets bored with the conversation because then she says, hey, i gotta go. the ups man is here. i love you. behave yourself.
and i soooo badly wanted to yell out, “wear a condom!” before she hung up but i chickened out. hey, i do NOT want my grandmother to kick my ass. again.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
“on your blob” haaaaaaaa that is so funny! I needed this today! Thanks!
So funny!
I become more of a maven of Shauna everyday!
This is freaking hilarious!
Is your grandmother single?
Does she like fat bald guys with no money?
Does she have good credit?
Does She drink?
I will bring the condoms!
SR
lmao, or lmvo, whatever . .
That was sooo funny…. It seems I’ve been missing out not reading your blogs…. Sex, “V”, Vibrators, damn what else do you talk about
Well, let’s see. All of your cousins on that side are male. I know that I didn’t, and I can be fairly certain, no make 100% certain, that my brother didn’t. So that leaves 3 other possibilities. How do you know that it wasn’t one of your brothers. All I know, the last conversation that I would want to have with Mim is about V’s. Love ya. Gotta go call Mim!
ok, so you can’t use the word ‘vagina’ or make any reference to your vagina?! (This is serious!!)
ok, so you can’t talk about YOURS, but maybe others’ is ok, eh?!!
Don’t you just love Grandparents:D
You’re so funny!
I knew all that va-jay-jay talk would get you into trouble … but hey… please add a midget to the next conversation with mimi.
bet it was Chris that ratted you out, oh shit… did I just rat Chris out?
You didn’t mention she speaks with a very thick southern accent. It just makes it that much funnier.
not only on your blob, but I bet you talk about it on that “tweeter” thing……….
from your favorite cousin: I didn’t tell her but I believe it. She calls me once a week to come fix her tv. whoever got her satellite tv should be whipped. God love her but sometimes I think she screws things up just so someone will come over and just sit with her and have a beer (or 2 or 3 or 6) Which I will just about every time.
OK, THIS is the post that made me de-lurk! HILARIOUS!
My Gama could punch me in the throat via the phonelines.
Dory
Shauna, your blob brings back fond memories of my long ago youthhood when I use to hang with your dad at Dick and Dotties. They were very good to me. Tell her I said hello. My kids did not rat you out since they don’t know her. It sounds like one of your brothers to me.
Normal Uncle
I heard about your blob from a friend and spent about 2 hours reading your “best of” posts (and more) outloud to my sisters and laughing until I cried. My sisters nearly peed their pants laughing too. You are a funny lady.
I LOVE Mimi!!!!
She is a trip! VERY funny post!