the year of the blog

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since not much has happened in 2009 so far, let’s recap 2008.

in january, i told you how the perverts find me. there was the time we took the e-man to the rodeo and the discovery i made about little boys and guns…and dairy products. who can forget the time i overheard tommy on the phone, selling our not for sale house, and my trip to the gynecologist. and of course, the discovery of the pigs.

february brought on thoughts of murder and suicide, my opinion on celebrities entering rehab, and the ear piercing fiasco. good times. i was spit on while running a half marathon, and discovered ethan might actually be a girl. i ended the month in the big apple where i experienced what i call, only in new york city people!

march began with the e-man almost killing my laptop. and then i made it on the jessica simpson fansite because i sat next to her on a plane–and blogged about it. then on to my birthday. which brought on a yeast infection (although i’m not sure the two have anything to do with each other). spring break came and that means one thing, traveling with a toddler. oy vey. my opinion about baldness made me think i would make a good therapist, and a beeping smoke detector made me re-evaluate the necessity of hearing. maybe it’s overrated? and then there was the call from the alarm people ABOUT the beeping smoke detector. it ended with me purchasing expensive art while drunk and a disturbing fascination with these women.

at the beginning of april i sent a nasty email to this company for which they sent me coupons to buy more of their product. so i want to thank them…for that. then there was the day i spent with my 84 year old grandmother–and was completely exhausted–for like 2 weeks afterwards.
then i was made to feel really old when i had this discussion with a twenty something. then came the even more disturbing conversation i had with tommy which made him reconsider his choice in a mate. right after that, there was the whole rectal thermometer incident…you know, the more i read back through my old posts i realize, i’m a fucking idiot. tommy’s mom came to visit and was punked by a certain toddler man, i fixated on cartoon characters’ missing digits, and considered becoming a cat lady. april also turned me into this woman (you know, the one with the out of control kids), and this woman (you know, the one with the out of control kids, reprisal). there was a trip to kauai to see my dad, a lesson in facing your fears, a funny story about my brother. and a homecoming…of sorts. and icing on the cake? this idiot.

may started off with a bang–which is code for busy as shit. tommy and i went to south carolina where he actually won an argument, i proved once again that i’m a loser, and stabbed myself with a plant. towards the end of the trip i contemplated suicide, but then decided the children would never make it without me. then came mother’s day and my heartfelt ode to motherhood. what’d i get for mother’s day? a cold and an end of the school year theater performance complete with performing bunny rabbit and hot stares from angry parents.
there was another trip–this time, to mississippi; and then the really fat woman who couldn’t get off the floor. i learned my grandmother keeps score and other weird facts about my family, that the e-man may actually in fact be a girl (which is fine with me), and that colonoscopies are as bad as they seem, also see poopapalooza. the month ended with more butt talk, click here.

in june, i found what i thought was a vibrator under my teenager’s bed, battled little octupus children in my sleep, and realized i spend most of my time trying not to fart. i decided i’d practically earned sainthood, that farts really are funny, and summer vacation is about 8 weeks too long. i discovered that trying to have sex when you have a house full of kids is near impossible, that the e-man may not be human, and that tommy speaks in questions. weird huh. i grew a person on my face and learned that true friends will hide your vibrator for you.

july, it was a big month. first, the e-man got his head stuck here, my grandmother befriended a “snake,” and tracie in austin won the first ever blog contest. (well, she won AND she lost). i learned that tommy has no idea where we keep stuff, and that perverts really do like my blog. i went to san francisco for a blogger conference and almost killed 2 drunk assholes. a homeless man fell in love with me and my book came out. oh yeah, and we learned that our neighbor friends love porn…not midget porn (which is my favorite)…just good old fashioned porn. the e-man began wearing his clothes backwards, really fucked up people are running amok in my fine city, and my grandmother threatened to start reading my “blob.” the month ended with the resident douchebag (me) showing her ass at the dentist’s office.

august began with a letter to my inner fat girl, a slogan for shirts that would make jesus proud, and the realization that people love my book! i learned that i hate crowded places–and teenagers, that bad things happen to good dogs, and that really, no joking aside, there’s something wrong with me. then i found out that not EVERYBODY liked my book. i wrote a letter to tommy, learned that my grandmother is not a fan of whoopi goldberg, and found out that homeless people really love my key lime pie. i was almost mistaken for a child molester, and realized i’d been better off marrying a monkey (trained or untrained).

in september there was the talk, the bus you don’t want to be on, and the 743,000 web hits for lemon pie. i learned that i wouldn’t make a good scrapbooker, but that i have a sick fascination for midget porn (even though i’ve never seen any), and that i really shouldn’t be let out in public. hurricane ike had nothing on my own personal natural disaster.

october began with my free public service announcement, and a realization that i actually have no skills for any job except handbag model or toilet paper roll inspector. i found out i was pregnant, that isn’t the romantic i thought he was, and that nazi trainer is just that–a nazi. karma pointed its wicked finger in my direction, (and here too). i proved that violence is sometimes the answer and that husbands are like zits. and can we all just agree that teenagers suck?

november brought with it mexican holidays gone wrong, elections gone right, and out of control eating (drug dealers, i’m still looking for you). there was my tv appearance, my fear of teenage drivers, and the letter to the people who are trying to kill me. my laptop fell ill and a man showed me a picture of his penis…on his cell phone. the resident jar opener got sick and i learned for the first time about monkey prostitutes. november ended with me killing my grandmother with a vegetable.

and then there was december. first came another letter to the husband (apparently the first one didn’t take). ethan farted on me, i sent out a warning to all men, and developed a crush on bob newhart. i discovered ethan is 100% my child and i also discovered my truth. i learned that mexicans want to chain women to their sofa and that men are really clueless about women and sex. and then there was the letter to the trash men who hate me. and i learned more disturbing things about tommy i didn’t know. i discovered i’m fatter than i was a year ago, but the greatest lesson of 2008 is that george clooney would definitely make a better mate. oh, and don’t forget my wonderful, heartfelt christmas story.

i hope 2009 brings more fucked up stories for me to share.