and you thought you knew everything

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for all you non-facebookers, here’s my post today.

i don’t know what’s so magical about the number 16, but here are 16 things you might not know about me.

1. I’m quite gassy. I spend most of the time trying NOT to fart.

2. I think George Clooney is the sexiest man on the planet. And, if he ever calls me and tells me he feels the same way about me, I’m leaving my husband and moving to Italy to be with him. Hubs is aware of this and has wished me good luck. Do you think George Clooney likes girls who fart?

3. I’m a toilet paper roll nazi. If the toilet paper is not installed correctly on the holder, I will change it. At my house (this better not occur at my house!), your house, the doctor’s office, a restaurant, you name it. Oh, and the correct way to place toilet paper on the dispenser is with the paper coming off the top. This is not a preference issue, this is a fact of life. The End.

4. I have a butterfly tattooed on my ass. You understand, it’s a picture of a butterfly, not an actual butterfly. That would be awkward…for the butterfly. I got the tattoo when I was 27 and I don’t regret it for one second. In fact, I want another one. On my foot.

5. I know what I would wear if I was asked to be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. I can be ready to go in 45 minutes. This is not a joke.

6. My favorite thing in the world (besides the obligatory, I mean obvious, husband, kids, Marc Jacobs handbag) is writing. Writing keeps me from killing said loved ones–except for the Marc Jacobs. Duh. I would never inflict any kind of pain on my beloved handbag.

7. Like Brad, I’m friends with all my ex-boyfriends. Well, the ones that will speak to me anyway. But unlike Brad, my husband is not friends with any of them. In fact, he thinks he’s the first guy to ever date me. Which is weird because I had 2 kids when I met him. Apparently he bought the whole, “found these 2 adorable ankle biters on my front porch” story.

8. Unlike KB, I’m a fantastic speller. Yes, I have great spellability. Oh, and I make up words on a regular basis.

9. I never finished college. It used to bother me until one day I realized I’m learned good enough.

10. I’m a HUGE football fan. College and Professional. Please don’t bother me while there’s a game on.

11. I’m a food addict. I wake up thinking about food, plan my day around food, and go to bed thinking about all the food I had that day. It’s a terrible sickness.

12. I have a slight case of OCD. I can’t leave drawers or cabinets doors open. Not even cracked. I’ve tried leaving the room and I can’t. I must race back and close them. Hey, it could be worse. I could be one of those people who licks the light switch on his/her way out of a room. I’m not judging.

13. I have a zit that pops up on my chin every 3 weeks or so. I’ve named him Steve. I consider him my 5th child and have grown quite fond of him. He doesn’t ask me for money, a ride, or roll his eye (he only has one, poor baby). Hubs is not so fond. He usually makes a face and asks, “aren’t you going to cover that thing up?” Poor Steve. Rejected by his father. He will surely need therapy.

14. I have a fear of going number 2 in public places. I can’t do it. It’s virtually impossible for me to…you know…go…at Olive Garden. This is my tragedy. If anyone knows of a 12 step program, I’m open to the idea.

15. I can’t whistle or make the hot dog thing with my tongue. And I’m bitter about it.

16. I have 1 black hair that grows out of my chin. My husband is completely grossed out about it and has offered (on several occasions) to make me an appointment to have it LASERED OFF! One hair!

Wait. That’s it? 16 already? But I was just getting warmed up….