dear hubs,
i always thought you were the one. when i met you 10 years ago i said to myself, “girl, now this guy’s worth holding on to.” you were practically perfect in every way (it’s hard typing that sentence without busting out in laughter or falling out of my chair) and nothing you did got under my skin or on my nerves. i felt sure i’d met the greatest, non-annoying man of my dreams.
i’m having second thoughts.
here’s the problem…when exactly did you become the human noise maker?
i appreciate that in these difficult financial times you’re trying to come up with other ways to make money and you’ve obviously chosen the path of a carnival sideshow act with your sniffing, snorting, slurping, gulping and chewing, but if you’re going to be a freak in the show, get going then. there’s no reason to stick around here perfecting your act (although bravo, it’s flawless). you should be on the next greyhound bus headed for whatever small town the carnies have set up shop.
do you need help packing your bags? (notice i said bags and not bag. i think you should really give this freakshow, i mean sideshow, thing a try so feel free to stay away as long as it takes)
let’s talk for a minute about these noises you’re making because either someone has turned up the volume or you’re WAY more annoying than ever before.
the clearing of the throat. is it really necessary to do it 536 times a day? what the fuck you got stuck in there, a live baby seal? because that’s what it sounds like. cough that shit up and be done with it! i’m aging here–and not gracefully, i might add. a permanent scowl has formed on my face and i’m afraid i’m getting wrinkles. every time you try and clear out whatever it is that’s in there an angel kills herself. do you want to keep killing angels? i’m sure there’s some penalty for doing that. do you really want to piss off the big guy upstairs?
the slurping and chomping. why is it that you choose to come over and sit next to me with a big bowl of granola? there are 6 perfectly good chairs at the table. why must you sit so close? why not take your food in the bedroom and close the door? ooh, or go outside. eating outside is fun. think of it as an adventure. but more than that, think of it as a way to live a longer life. i have killed someone you know. with a vegetable. for the very reason of being annoying. do you want to be next?
sidenote: it was only a dream. i’ve never actually killed killed someone. at least not that i know of. and definitely not on purpose. if i’ve ever accidentally killed someone then i’m sorry. i’m not generally a violent person. i did hit a bird once. it flew right at my car and there was nothing i could do. feathers and bird parts went everywhere. it was traumatic. i’m sure it was no day at the beach for the bird either. and then i’ve killed numerous squirrels. hey, i can’t help it if squirrels are stupid. they decide at the last minute to run across the street. i say, you do that, you deserve to die. squirrels are a waste anyway. all they are is a rat in a better costume. plus their beady little eyes freak me out.
now where was i? oh yeah, contemplating your death. look, i don’t want to kill you. i really don’t. it’s messy, there would be legal ramifications, it’s messy, i would have to plan a funeral, yada yada. and with christmas right around the corner i just don’t have time for all of that. who can decorate the house, shop online, wrap gifts, bake cookies, plan the school parties AND pick out a casket? not me brother.
so please, i beg you. control yourself. no one (especially me) wants to hear you chew your food to the tune of rock me amadeus. i promise. take my word for it.
no one wants to be there when you finally DO get whatever is caught in your throat…out. ok, that’s totally not true. i SO want to be there. it’s gotta be something good. like maybe a car or a pine tree, or even better, that set of car keys i lost awhile back.
more importantly, i want to feel like you’re the one again. i want to…OH MY GOD! I CAN HEAR YOU RIGHT NOW–IN THE OTHER ROOM–CLEARING YOUR THROAT!!!
i’m sorry. all bets are off. maybe i wouldn’t need to buy a casket. maybe i can just bury you in the backyard next to the squirrels.
signed,
the bitch who put a bounty on your head.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Can you write one of these letters for MY husband?
LMAO!!!
as i was reading this i burst out laughing because i heard myself snuffing my nose and clearing my throat. it’s gotta be a man thing
AF
OMG…not just my husband…send it to my 3 sons, as well. The throat clearing, loud chewing, wolf-whistling, farting, belching and what’s with that damn cruise ship horn-noise when they blow their noses?????!!!!
It is DEFINITELY on the Y-chromosome.
Awwww man, it must be something in the air…
Trish asked me the other night if I couldn’t just go a minute without making some kind of noise!
You women….
Dear ladies,
Again, at the risk of totally unveiling deep secrets of all things “Y,” I make a frail attempt at defending noise-making.
When I was two, my Xmas gift was a pair of bright red boxing gloves. I was told to grunt as loud as possible when attempting a right jab, the punch of choice for dad.
Since then, I have been instructed, lauded and even decorated for various noises (as described in this post) — most in the name of sports I have played.
Also, anatomically speaking, things sorta relax with age. It’s harder to control and/or retain pressure internally.
Now then, the throat clearing is just a voracious sign of manhood. Like a lion’s roar in the pride! One must possess, if not develop, a throat-clearing worthy of heads turning in public!
I’m certianly very proud of all my noise arias — all peformed with great pride in the privacy of my very manly garage!
AF does make a lot of noise – even for a male semi-human.
NU
Its so a male thing. I have heard the 2 youngest congratulate each other when one of their SBD’s send me out of the room with eyes watering.
There was also the time I blamed a smell on our dog and the youngest was offended because he had done it and wasnt given proper credit.
I should have stopped at the first child – a perfect girl…how much glass would I have not had to clean up or foul smells I would have been saved from…
Exhibit A:
I attended the last Monday Night Football game at Texas Stadium this year with 5 of my close friends.
We tailgated and enjoyed samples of some of the finest brats and Italian sauseges known to man. Added were onions, salsa, etc.
Our seats are near a couple of luxury suites.
So, as the game kicked, so did digestion.
One of my Cowboys tickets associates is rather robust, if I may. At about 10 minutes into the first quarter, he let one rip after a big play.
All ladies, within a ten-seat radius, including those in the luxury suites had to evacuate and swore not to come back.
After they made they’re way out in extreme duress, the men busted into a roar and high-fived my asociate, who was capable of producing such a volatile sample of noxious human gas.
Every home game since, all the ladies see us and say, “Please, warn us before you have one coming!”
LET’S GO COWBOYS!!!
oh my GOD! you have just made my day. said everything i wish I could say. way to go! it’s nice to know us noise ridden wives aren’t alone
Why DO men make such disgusting, vile noises?
Are they all deranged?
You women ask way too much of us guys.
Here’s a question for all of you: Why must you constantly ask us if you look fat? You know you don’t really want to hear the answer, so why ask?
See, you’re annoying too.
You are very funny and literate. you should write a book.