does having the hair lasered off your body really make you a better person?

by Shauna on December 20, 2008

i’m up early…on a saturday…when i don’t have to be. and you know why?

tommy’s fart alarm went off and scared the bejesus out of me. i swear to god it was as loud as a bull horn.

needless to say it’s hard for one to go back to sleep after one’s heart leaps out of one’s chest and flies across the room and splats against the wall.

in case you’re wondering i’m the “one” in this scenario and the only “one” that counts.

i sat up in the bed, trying to recover from what i thought was our house being bombed.

tommy asked, “you awake?”

since it was obvious i was awake i didn’t answer. i just got out of the bed.

“where you going?” he asked.

“to call a divorce lawyer,” i said behind me in his direction.

he laughed.

and joined me in the kitchen a few mintutes later.

now he’s clearing his throat and snorting snot.

it’s a beautiful thing.

so yesterday we got a babysitter and drove to dallas to have dinner with a friend who just moved here from the bay area. i had really been looking forward to attending a grown up dinner. on the drive over i noticed something i hadn’t noticed before. tommy does this thing where he reads signs to me.

we were cruising along and he offered, “bob’s hickory house. jerky the way you like it.”

first i said, “huh?” it made no sense to me. especially since we’d been talking about how the stock market faired that day. so i said, “what’d you say?”

“that sign back there. i was reading it.”


then a minute later i was telling a story about harley’s last day of school before the break and he busted in with, “laser hair removal. be the person you want to be for only $99.”

side note: if only it was that easy.

now, back to the story.

what the fuck was going on here? why was he reading billboards to me?

so i stopped talking. he didn’t seem to notice. he just kept reading road signs.

after another 10 minutes of this i jumped in with, “nue 328.”

“tyv 879.”

he turned to me and said, “what are you saying?”

“oh, i’m reading the license plates off the cars as they pass us. illuminating conversation, isn’t it? i mean it’s really interesting stuff. don’t you think?”

he turned away and muttered, “asshole,” under his breath.

i didn’t care.

he stopped reading to me.

mission accomplished.

now all i have to do is beat him at farting and snot snorting and i’ve won. yes, i’ll win the award for most annoying person on the planet. it’ll be a difficult challenge since tommy is the world champ 3 years running, but i’m up for the task.

wish me luck.

do your mate a favor today. read the road signs while you’re in the car. he/she will LOVE it.


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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Angie December 20, 2008 at 6:40 am

When I got to the part of the story when you started reciting license plates, I spewed my coffee all over my keyboard.

Thanks for the warning!

Too f*@#ing funny!


Joanna December 20, 2008 at 7:17 am

I’m afraid I’m guilty of the same thing. What can I say? It’s distracting having all these signs on the side of the road. They’re meant to be read. Maybe just not read outloud.

I’ll work on being less annoying in the car.

Thanks for the story. I love starting my day with a belly laugh.


Drew December 20, 2008 at 7:20 am

Poor Tommy.

The guy can’t win.


The Commish December 20, 2008 at 9:32 am

Well, maybe you need an “out” for drives like this.

When we have nothing good to say, we enact what is officially known as the silence rule in honor of this statement:

If you cannot improve upon the silence, say nothing at all.

Of course, at that point she drifts into dreamland, whildst I get lost in thought.


Pamela December 20, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Reading signs doesn’t bother my husband. What really grinds his gears is when I make up horrific new lyrics to the songs on the radio. His eyeballs explode and his head spins around and he threatens to drive into large trees. I laugh until I very nearly pee. It’s fabulous.


the mom September 2, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I'm in tears here and my kids think I'm batshit crazy. well, wait. I am batshit crazy but still in tears.


SR November 18, 2009 at 4:12 pm

LOVE THIS ONE….can totally pic you and TG driving and reading….classic….SR


Avitable November 23, 2009 at 5:56 am

Reminds me of Forget Paris and Billy Crystal’s old father-in-law’s tendency to do that, too.


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