that’s what SHE said

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it’s happening.

my oldest daughter is about to start…..driving!

she informed me that she is now eligible to sign up for driver’s ed.

is it too late to shove her back up into my uterus?

yeah, i thought so. she’s WAY bigger than me now. that would look weird. and it would be like the world’s worst wedgie. people would stop me on the streets and shout, “oh my god, is that a person crammed up in there?”

and i would be all, “don’t pay any attention to it, i mean her, and she’ll stop screaming for help.”

and then i might end up in jail–or worse, my own reality tv show. they would call it something ridiculous like Back Where You Belong. she would be allowed to take 2 things with her on her *journey* and with my luck, she would choose her ipod and her flat iron. and then i’d never get away from that blasted hip hop music. ok, you can’t really call that music.

so anyway, putting her back where she came from seems out of the question.

plan b. i let her take driver’s ed but i don’t let her drive. that would be cruel, right? don’t tempt me, teenagers suck and seeing her unhappy might thrill me.

ok. so i let her drive but only to become my personal slave. she takes over picking up this one at ballet, dropping off that one at soccer practice, grocery shopping, errand running….wow, this is sounding better by the second.

you know what i have to do next, don’t you. i have to take her to the vet and have him put one of those tracking chips in her ear so that i know her whereabouts. i’ll tell her we’re going to get one of the dogs vaccinated and i need her help holding him down. then at the last second, the vet will shove the dog out of the way, strap down my freakishly strong teenager and zap! micro chip inserted! oh, she’ll be mad at first, call me a terrible mother, say she hates me, yada yada. she does that now! that’s called wednesday. i’ll tell her to think of it as another piercing. she’s always wanted one at the top of her ear–voila! wish granted!

and then i’ll know when she’s strayed beyond the stringent parameters i’ve set for driving. no going to the liquor store, a boy’s house (ANY boy–i don’t care if they’re related–boys are horny and they don’t mind if you share dna–those are just details to them), or dallas.

yep. i think i can let her drive under those conditions. i won’t be happy about it, but shoving her back in my uterus doesn’t sound like a european vacation either.