everyone knows i’m totally down with the gays. i have girlfriends who are gay and so far, not one of them has tried to have sex with me. but gay men on the other hand, well, i’m like a magnet. it’s like i hold some magical key to an imaginary candy store and they all want in. ok, let me translate that. gay men LOVE me. we get along splendidly. and i love their passion for…everything. the other day, however, i had a very unique and rather bizarre experience with a gay man. we’ll call him *zander*
i met zander and of course, it was immediately like i’d just found my long lost brother. we hit it off instantly. he even fluffed my hair. (no, that’s not code for something erotic, you sickos, he literally fluffed my hair–gay men do that. they will also touch your boobs to see if they’re real. it’s allowed, read the handbook)
anyway, after knowing him for about um…i’d say…2 hours, he turned to me, eyes all lit up, and asked, “do you want to see a picture of my penis? i have one on my cell phone.”
the man was giddy.
and i was speechless. on the one hand i wanted to run to the corner and curl up in the fetal position, and on the other i was fascinated and yes! i DID want to see a picture of his penis.
without too much pause i shouted, “ok! show me your penis!”
the other people in the room turned and looked at me when i said this, but it didn’t stop zander from asking the rest of the room, “do YOU ALL want to see a picture of my penis? it’s magnificent!”
you’ve never seen more frightened looks on people’s faces.
it was classic. i think i even snorted.
so anyway, i’m standing there with zander while he’s scrolling through his phone, looking for a picture of his magnificent penis. he finally finds it and before showing it to me says, “ok, so it’s not totally erect in this photo, but you’ll get the idea.”
and then he hands the phone to me.
because in uncomfortable situations i tend to ‘go with the flow’ i held the phone up to my face and stared at the screen before me. yep. it was a penis all right. i gasped. it was pretty amazing.
i smiled and handed the phone back to zander. he jumped around and asked, “so? what’d you think? i mean you can’t get the full effect and all…” and then i interrupted with, “because you weren’t fully erect. you said that.”
then he stood there, waiting for me to share my thoughts.
“oh, you’re right. that’s impressive. bra-vo.” and then i started clapping like a fucking seal–minus the seal noises.
i was congratulating him on his semi erect penis?
this was getting weird.
but he was thrilled. he slipped his phone in his front pocket and then grabbed me around the neck and squeezed. all i could think while we were hugging was, please don’t let me feel your magnificent penis against my leg. please, please, please, please…
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not to get too political or anything, but i just want to say one thing about gay marriage. if you don’t agree with it, don’t marry a gay person. other than that, mind your own. you think gay people who are married will confuse/screw up your children? you don’t have to worry about that. you’re doing that just fine on your own. you don’t need other people’s help. besides, look how well marriage between straight people is working.
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please, show someone a picture of your private parts today. it’s officially “show me your goods” wednesday.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
That is too weird! If someone asked me if I wanted to see a picture of his penis I would totally kick him in the nuts–gay or straight.
Where do you meet these people?
anonymous,
to answer your question, i usually meet these people at church. this was no exception. you would think you would be safe from the penis in a holy place. am i right?
and i didn’t feel it appropriate to “kick him in the nuts” in the lord’s house.
OMG, Shauna.
Your comment to anonymous made me spit coffee all over my computer screen! I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that!
Priceless!
You are SO going to hell!
How can you make fun of God like that?
I’ll handle this Shauna
Anonymous AGAIN~
When did she make fun of god? She never even mentioned the man’s name! Wait. Is he a man or a woman? I’m unclear. Please, enlighten us all with your insight and wisdom.
thank, pj.
and i think from all the pictures i’ve seen on the internet, god is definitely a man–with long gray hair and a gray beard and wearing a long white robe.
Can we get back to the penis story?
EWWW. What makes a man, any man, think we want to see a picture of his semi erect penis?
it’s interesting to me that you are a proponent of monism while at the same time choosing to be a wife and mother who has submitted yourself to your husband’s authority and protection, taking on the role of primary caregiver to your children.
pretty traditional choice, considering your apparent worldview.
anonymous #3,
thank you for your comment. you definitely know what you’re talking about.
just because i’m the primary caregiver to my kids doesn’t mean i’ve submitted to my husband’s “authority and protection” as you put it. it just means that if i don’t do it, no one will. you think the husband will? you gotta be out of your fucking mind–and i’ve just decided you’re definitely a man. no woman would say something so ridiculous.
try not to read so much into my rantings. it’s just entertainment.
entertained yet?
I don’t know Shauna personally, or anyone else who posts comments here, for that matter.
I found Shuana’s blog by mistake, I won’t deny it. I was Google-ing the word, buckeye, and her blog was one of the hits.
The title attracted me, as an active participant of the “after hours refreshment.”
I find her honesty refreshing. I find her stories hilarious, though her blog is mostly directed at “le femme fatale (and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways ladies).”
I welcome her honesty any day over traditional, uneffective mores people use as veils for what they really are or want to be. I wasted my time — far too long — in those messes.
In my business, the end meets someone everyday, and the last thing I want to do is waste time feeling through a world, which becomes more and more empty of original ideas and truths.
Keep on writin’ Shauna. Don’t mind anonymous-ly comments too much.
The Commish
I don’t know about the rest of you, but there is a small disturbingly curious side of me that wants to know if you asked him to e-mail it to you so you can post it on your blog? I bet he would have. Not that I want to see it (please don’t post it if you do have it) but I can totally see you asking him and I can totally see him doing the seal clap about the idea of lots of strangers seeing his goods.
I am just shocked that people are shocked that a man wanted to show his penis! Have these people ever met a man? Men think their twig hung the moon and probably has magical powers.
It is a daily duty of mine to try and convince the 6 year old that no one wants to see it – he is convinced otherwise.
Obviously, Shauna’s friend didnt have such a contientious mom as us
OK, OK
I’m going to put an end to the penis curiousity once and for all.
At the expense of the members of my sub-category in the Homo Sapiens group, I’ll reveal the secret of why men constanly want to see, scratch and re-adjust the very tool that makes us unique.
At some point during manhood, the penis fairy pays you a visit. Said fairy is a cross between Salma Hayek and Jessica Biel.
The fairy’s goal during her one-time visit is warning the male in question that if he does not take great care of his penis, it will disappear — FOREVER.
As one can imagine, the fright of having the very hot fairy comeback and take your manhood away to the penis crypt makes men want to constantly see it, touch it, and — for extra security — others’ participation is warranted, too.
Picture sharing is for obssessive/compulsive males, who have developed all-out enfatuation with what should be a normal, healthy fear. In that case, meds may be required.
So, understandly, we live in fear.
As Shauna can attest, I fall on the far conservative side of the spectrum.
That being said, I love me some gay guys! If a gay guy tells you you look good, YOU LOOK GOOD! If a gay guy tell you we need to go shopping, WE NEED TO GO SHOPPING. so if a gay guy shows you his penis, it is a deep act of trust, friendship and honor. and you should react as Shauna did. Just praise it, don’t touch it, and move on
and for the Commish, I’ll just say…. I adore you and I’m familiar with your comments. but I have a husband, so I recognize just a little Penis-Excusism in your reply!
It’s okay, Commish. We know you touch it, cling to it and consult it on all major decisions and purchases. You don’t have to pretend in this crowd!
Whoa…
That’s so unfair. Where’s the justice?
I’m all manly man and well, no one has ever called my penis magnificent!
I would say no I do not want to see a picture of your penis and my wife would say yes she does. Good thing she likes them otherwise the odds we would have married are low. After that she would probably want to discuss it with me to gross me out.
As for gay maraige (i can never spell that word) you have an interesting point. I think the state should have no role in who marries who, to me that is a strictly religious function. If the Almightly High Standing Transcendent Universalist Holy Lords Church of 12 Street, West Minster Connecticut wants to marry two men, two women or two men and a woman that is no ones business but theirs.