it’s raining here in florida. scratch that. it’s coming down so hard that the pounding rain woke me up. i was kind of glad to be startled out of my sleep because i was having the worst dream ever.
i dreamt i killed my grandmother—with a piece of zucchini. i beat her to death with it. don’t laugh. this isn’t funny.
after i bludgened her to death with the vegetable (by the way, i’ll never be able to eat zucchini and feel good about it again) i fled the scene and drove home. it’s not clear where i was when i did the killing, but i ended up at home just in time to watch ace of cakes on the food network. in my dream i was very concerned about missing the show. yep, apparently killing my favorite relative came second to missing my favorite food network program.
side note: dad, you know you’re my favorite MALE relative. mimi is my favorite OVERALL relative. good luck when the new poll comes out next week. maybe you’ll make the cut.
so anyway, back to my dream. i’m watching ace of cakes and my mom calls and screams, “mimi’s dead! someone has killed her!”
the woman was hysterical…and she was interrupting my show. i hit the pause button on my remote.
“mom!” i yelled back in the receiver, “it’s ok. i’m the one who did it. she was getting so annoying–what with her inability to hear and all. she refused (REFUSED!) to put in her hearing aids, saying something about them being uncomfortable or some shit like that. i just lost it. i’m so sorry. she was old, mom. she had a good run. it was time.”
in my dream my mom stopped screaming then and said, “oh, well if it was a family member that did it then i guess it’s ok. shoot. i already called the police. they’ll be here any minute. you better come back and explain what happened.”
before i could tell her i was too busy to deal with all that my front door burst open and cagney and lacey were standing in the doorway, yelling, “ok you freak, come out with your hands up!”
i turned around and said, “i’ll be there in a minute. i have to see if chef duff gets the linda blair exorcist cake finished in time for the big halloween party.”
and then the sound of the rain woke me up.
shheeewwwww. i’m glad that was just a dream. that’s the last time i eat pumpkin pie in bed right before i go to sleep. who knew pumpkins give you nightmares? and the bigger question: are cagney and lacey still alive?
now the rain has stopped now. dammit. i was hoping it would rain all morning so i would have an excuse for not exercising. i haven’t been to the gym or gone jogging in a week. apparently i took the holiday week off. what i didn’t do though was take the week off from pigging out.
you should see my ass.
talk about horrifying.
maybe the rain will start back up again just in time for me to eat my thanksgiving meal breakfast. do not turn your nose up at the idea of turkey and dressing in the morning. don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. it rocks. hey, wouldn’t turkey and dressing in the morning be a great radio show? i could be turkey and i’d say, “good morning everybody. you’re listening to turkey and dressing in the morning right here on KSUX.” it could so happen. no. one. steal. my. idea. k?
in the meantime, let’s play a little game. and for those of you who have played this recently, just suck it up and play again. (i never said i was original–all good ideas are stolen)
let’s see how many people we have do this. come on all you lookey loos who’ve never commented before. i know you’re out there. i can even tell you what city you live in. i have connections–or sitemeter.
anyway, this is fun and doesn’t require any original thought. so everyone can play!
here’s what you do. grab a book. any book. the closest one to you will work beautifully. turn to page 86. go to the 13th sentence and copy it on here.
i’ll start.
“i don’t fish,” she said. “i’m jewish. we’re not a fishing people.”
see? fun.
now it’s your turn.
and, GO!
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Stone slipped inside his tent, changed and put the rest of his newly acquired clothes in his knapsack.
I hung my legs over the edge of the porch and shook off my flip-flops.
“Good. Then Cherie, take her away. Take her sightseeing.”
It seemed like only a few seconds passed before I heard the door open, felt hands on my shoulders turning me around.
Shauna, this is fun!
I laughed my arse off reading about your “dream.” Was that really true or are you just a comic genius? Don’t answer that. I want to believe the comic genius part.
Happy Eating!
“I don’t know how to do what they’re doing out there.”
Hey, I’m a first time commenter.
That wasn’t so bad.
I love your blog!
“when they let him out a week or so later,he was subdued and seemed to have less potential for violence.”………they took him off pumpkin before bedtime.
“Eric is frustrated that he can’t remember the time he was in hiding at your house, and he doesn’t know what he owes you.”
“My dad was first to speak.”
and then galaxies swinging across it. Finally they seemed to move in closer on one of the galaxies.
(Did Monika say something NASTY to get censored??? HAHAHAHAH! Finally.
SHE’s the one getting in trouble.)
She wants to laugh, the figure should be laughable, except it isn’t funny.
she wants to laugh, the figure should be laughable, except it isn’t funny.
how weird. did 2 people quote from the same book? what book is that from?
and hello? is anyone going to quote something from some other really good book? oh i don’t know, like HEAPING FREAKIN SPOONFUL???
As an application of this chapter – to develop the habit of giving thanks – I suggest memorizing Ephesians 5:20 and 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and regularly praying over them, asking God to work them out in your life.
Masturbation sleeves, such as the Fleshlight, Vibratex Sidekick, and Hot Rod are made to envelope the penis and mimic the sensations of a real vagina, only tighter.
You wrote a book?
Shauna
Look at my earlier post….you don’ even recognize your own writing!!
He said some men stuck knives into women while they were kissing them, especially if the women were being mean and didn’t want to be kissed.
All 18 accessories store neatly in the turtle with fold-away carry handle.
oh, ok. someone DID quote from page 86 of my book.
i guess i don’t know my own writing.
and yes, daniel, i wrote a book. feel free to purchase it from amazon or barnes and noble–or from my website http://www.shaunaglenn.com and click on the merchandise page.
all others feel free to follow suit.
xo
Hmm?Some beer for Jesus?
When I was in Iraq we took malaria medication once a week. I was also reading a book about an alternate history of WWI. The meds gave me crazy dreams. I had one dream where I was making out in the field below a big maple at a house we lived at when I was a kid. We were getting somewhere between second and third base when a WWI era machine opened up from the crook of the maple and I jumped up and responded with my bren gun. It was a very strange dream.
I only have board books near the computer. This is not even a sentence out of a book. This is my sad life, absent of any adult reading material. Or chapter books in general.
Sam Calagione of Dogfish breweries. “I’m frustrated that one beer has been hammaered down people’s throats,” he says.
“What the heck is going on here?” shouted Miss Singerbrains. “I just got back from the lunchroom and found a portable potty in my library.”
- Captain Underpants