pissed on and pissed off

Pin ItTweet

tommy hurt my feelings yesterday. we were leaving for a meeting with my new pr firm (they rock, by the way) and JOKINGLY i said, “well, if this writing/entertaining thing doesn’t work out, i can always go out and get a real job.

he chokes (unfortunately not to death) and then laughs and says, “doing what?”

i have to say i was quite offended. i have skills. i’m sure i have lots of them. and hopefully any second now i will be able to list them…yep….any second now.

ooh, i could be a taste tester. i love food and beverage items.

i could be a professional toilet paper inspector. i would go from house to house and business to business making sure that all the toilet paper rolls were installed properly.

i could be a handbag model. i LOVE handbags–especially ones that cost more than my car. i say, the more expensive the purse, the better it HAS to be, right? but that wouldn’t work because i would spend my entire paycheck on handbags. what am i saying? what’s wrong with THAT?

those are just a few of the many jobs i would be good at. and after reviewing these perfectly fine examples of career options, let’s all keep our fingers crossed that the entertaining thing works out. i don’t really want to be a toilet paper inspector.

so i pouted a little and gave tommy the cold shoulder all the way to the meeting. why does he think he’s so smart anyway? he MAKES up companies to be in charge of that never even existed before. it’s not like that’s anything special. if he didn’t dream them up in that kooky brain of his, he’d be out of a job because the “job” didn’t exist before he made it up. what’s so special about that? at least taste tester and handbag model are REAL careers.

after the meeting i was too excited to be angry anymore, so i let him off the hook.

he dropped me off at the house so i could get my car so i could commence operation “my life sucks because i have four kids at four different schools!”

after picking up the 4th kid, we headed toward home. then something happened that was a first for me. call it baptism by urine. ethan shouted out that he was about to pee his pants. aha! i knew exactly what to do. he has a penis. and a penis can fit inside a bottle, right? so i yelled for someone to find an empty one on the floor. side note: you can always without fail find an empty gatorade or water bottle in my car. i’m not braggin, i’m just sayin. so anyway, i was handed a half full bottle of gatorade which i proceeded to pour out the window. i then threw it in the backseat at my 14 year old and said, “here you go, stick his pee pee in there!” unfortunately she’s my sensitive gag reflex child, but because of the serious nature of the unfolding events (which translates to me yelling, “if you don’t do this he will pee his pants and YOU will not only clean him up, but also my car!”) she sprung into action and helped the little man pee in a bottle while driving down the road for the very first time. i know. i was proud too.

the downside? for some reason today my car smells like urine.

so back to the story. after everyone was home, i began helping my 9th grader with a project that is due friday and isn’t it adorable that we’ve waited til the 11th hour before beginning. no surprises there. but being the sort of control freak that i am, i basically shoved her out of the way and molded the clay version of the exodus into israel myself–complete with the waters parting and moses standing on the rock, staff in hand. i was so focused on getting everything exactly the way i envisioned it that when i finally looked up, i realized i was the only one sitting at the table. i hope i get a good grade on it. it’s definitely an A in my book.

i had to tear myself away from the parting of the red sea project to take kids A and B (i think i’ll start referring to them by the order in which they were born by the letter in the alphabet that coincides with that number–it’s much easier than having to type their names, don’t you think?) to soccer practice. then i raced home, threw dinner together and asked tommy to bathe kids C and D. i needed to get back to my school (i mean kid A’s) project.

twenty minutes later i wondered what could be taking so long with bathtime. first, just let me say that tommy sat down at 6 (i brought his dinner TO him) and never got up again. gravity is a wicked, wicked thing when it comes to his mobility in the evenings. it’s like there’s some magnetic force holding him in that position. i wonder if he’d be able to get up if the house was on fire…or say if i was coming at him with a butcher knife. i may have to try that second thing for research purposes. the only thing i asked him to do was supervise the little kids. well, that didn’t go according to plan. i walked in to find the bathroom flooded and harley spraying ethan with the shower nozzle.

i glared at tommy (who was so fucking engaged in whatever tv show he was watching, had no idea any of this was going on. i could have been naked and sawing off my appendages and he wouldn’t have noticed). i contained the water, dried off the little ones and huffed as i walked past tommy. minutes later i was thrilled to see that it was bedtime. i was so tired, but was going to have to leave to pick up kid A from soccer practice so i couldn’t relax just yet. i went to tommy and pleaded, “will you lie down with kids C and D and read to them?”

he made a tired face and said, “you know, nighttime is not good for me.”

yeah, nighttime is good for NOBODY except VAMPIRES. and you having the blood sucked out of your body doesn’t sound like such bad idea right about now.

but did i emote these feelings? did i SAY what i was thinking? NOPE. i patted him on the head and trudged off to meet my awaiting fate–to read count with elmo for the one millionth time.

this is the suck that is my life.

but wait, that’s not the end of the story. there is a silver lining. kid A found a ride home from soccer practice so i did get to enjoy a little pinot grigio. silver lining part 2: ethan crawled in bed with us around 3:30 and peed all over tommy’s side of the bed. score!