tommy comes in front room where i’m watching tv. “did you know there are 743,000 web pages devoted to or that mention lemon pie?”
me: “really? i don’t understand the internet at all.”
tommy: “what don’t you understand?”
me: “like, where is it? where is the center, the hub, the sterile metal building that houses the giant computer that stores all the information about the whole world and its contents?”
tommy (closing his eyes and making a constipated face): “there is no such place. it’s just out there–in cyberspace. there is no hub…to use your elementary term.”
me: “so if i mail a letter to the internet, it won’t go anywhere? because when you mail a letter to the white house or the north pole it gets there. i don’t think you’re giving the u.s. postal service enough credit.”
tommy (turning a funny shade of red): “there’s no address for the internet. it’s not a place. there’s nowhere to send a letter because it’s not a tangible thing. it’s…it’s…oh, fuck i don’t know. just forget i even said anything.”
me: “hmmm. so why did you google lemon pie? you don’t even eat pie–or dessert for that matter.”
tommy (shrugging his shoulders and then pacing the room): “i don’t know. no reason. i just tried to think of something benign and lemon pie was the first thing that popped in my head.”
me (eyes widening): “since when is lemon pie benign? and of all the words in the entire universe you chose lemon pie?”
tommy: “you’re missing the point. i just picked a word…at random…and googled it. the word is not the issue. the issue is the vastness and the reach of the internet. it’s powerful stuff.”
me (sighing): “yeah, i totally don’t get it.”
tommy (seeming engaged now): “get what?”
me: “why you chose the words lemon pie to google. i mean, are you hungry for pie? because if you are, i’m in. i’ll put my shoes on right now and we can go get pie. you just say the word. although, does it have to be lemon? because i could really go for some coconut cream…ooh…or chocolate cream. you know the kind they serve at the lunch box that is smothered in whipped cream and chocolate shavings?”
tommy (standing up and putting his hands on his hips): “you’re annoying to talk to sometimes.”
me: “you’re just figuring that out?”
tommy: “no, i just forgot for a minute.”
me: “well, you’re welcome.”
tommy (making that face again): “for what?”
me (rolling my eyes): “for reminding you that i can be annoying. du-uh.”
i get up and brush past him.
tommy: “where are you going?”
me: “to get my laptop. i’m going to google ‘shithead.’ how much you wanna bet your mug pops up on the screen?”
tommy: “fine. we’ll go get pie. but next time i’m googling naked, mute nymphomaniacs.”
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Huh….I wouldn’t think Tommy would be the kind of guy who would pass up pie.
(Oh, come on….you knew that was coming!)
now you’ve got me hungry for pie!!!!!! who am i kidding??? i’m hungry for anything these days!!
he’ll love this, there are addresses for the internet! Not The Internet – which is maybe what he meant. But I think if he’s going to have a semantic argument with you he should have his facts straight. I’m just sayin. Also, author = wordsmith, retired guy = pie eater.
cat, your logic is like listening to shauna, i’m so confused!
alohafrog
alohafrog–
that’s because every day at this time cat is drunk at work and therefore can only relate to other drunk people. that’s why we get along so well.
lol…reverse psychology?!
Too funny!
Just out of curiosity, I googled naked, mute nymphomaniac. I got 9,050 hits in .30 seconds
I didn’t read them (ahem) but the best summary line was this:
Physics Geek: June 2005 Archives
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen. Posted by Physics Geek at 02:34 PM
Amen is right, brother.