ethan: “mama, i got a penis.”
me: “you do indeed.”
ethan: “you got a penis?”
me: “no, mommy’s a girl and girls generally don’t have penises. except for if that girl is born a ‘girl’ physically, but feels like a boy inside–then THAT girl might have a penis added to her person–if she has a lot of money and a supportive family. although, the support of your family is not required to get a penis attachment–it would just make the transition easier for the girl who feels like a boy. you understand?
ethan: “you got a penis?”
me: “yes. i have a penis.”
ethan: “no. mommy no have penis. mommy have big butt.”
me: “is that right? well you’re adopted. how you like them apples?”
ethan: “i no like apples. i like gwapes.”
me: “ah.”
ethan: “you got a penis?”
me: “yes, i have two of them.”
ethan: “i want a see.”
me: “not now. mommy’s penis is asleep.”
ethan: “you no have penis. you have big butt. 2 big butts.” and he adds dimension to his insult by holding up 5 fingers. passive aggressive behavior? i think yes.
i get up from the table and pick up the phone to dial 4-1-1. ethan gets up from the table and farts. and then starts laughing and farts again. i roll my eyes like i’m totally disgusted. but secretly, i adore his farts. his farts are the cutest sounding noises i’ve ever heard. but i digress. i’m supposed to be irritated. i must keep in mind this sweet little farthead just told me i had 2 big butts.
operator: “city and state, please.”
me: “fort worth, texas.”
operator: “go ahead.”
me: “i need the name of the closest orphanage.”
operator (sounding confused): “ma’am, there are no orphanages in fort worth that i’m showing.”
me: “hmm. well, who do you give your kids to when they tell you you have a big butt–repeatedly.”
operator (without missing a beat): “you walk right up to the dad and punch him in the mouth. you know it’s somehow his fault.”
and then she starts laughing.
interesting. why hadn’t i thought of that before? blame tommy. why, it’s brilliant!
wow. information really IS helpful.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
LMAO!! That Ethan is too cute!
oh my—-I just laughed so hard I peed a little. Liam pissed me off earlier—I think I’m going to go punch Ben in the mouth. LOL
Colorado is a safe harbor state which means you can take your new-born to a hospital, fire station or police station and leave him there without repercussions. When Elliot hit about three I was sad that he was too old for me to take advantage of the safe harbor law. And the one time I took the kids to the fire station for a tour husband reminded me it would be illegal to leave them there. Now that both kids know their names and our names we’re stuck with them.
That is the funniest thing I have heard in weeks.
I hope you spend the rest of your life contemplating the many ways for you to enjoy your two penises and putting all of your thoughts to good use. Because Holy Multiple Orgasms, Batman!
And then you should brag.
update: he asked my mom if she has a penis and she said, “no.” he said, “my mommy has 2 penises.”
Wait until you start getting questions about the scrotum….Liam is very impressed that when he squishes around on it he feels “two little balls” in there. “Here, Mom, you can feel them.” Ummmm….no thanks, I’m good.
You are freakin’ hilarious. My son used to call my breasts my belly-butt. LoL. I finally got it through to him that they were called breasts. I could of saved a lot of time by just kicking my husbands ass from the get go.
Monika….I’m jealous because my son cant do that very often. Dr. Ben calls them retractile testicles. My son calls it very confusing. Now you see them…now you dont.
Laughed all the way through!
Thanks for that!
I laughed A LOT! Good stuff. When my son was three, he sang a song in the tub, “I like my pee pee, ’cause it’s so cute!” Yesterday, my 5 year old girl was talking to me about blood and said, “you must have LOTS of blood in your stomach!” Nice.
Just found your blog yesterday. It's a blast to read.
This post. This post made me laugh out loud an spit out my animal crackers.