the barbara walters show

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the other day one of my cousins called and left a message on my voicemail. it basically said something like this. hey, i just got off the phone with mimi (our grandmother) and she wanted me to leave my address with you so you could tell it to her, so here it is. i thought, why didn’t she just get his address from him? they were already on the phone together. odd. so anyway, i scribbled it down and then dialed my grandmother’s number. she answered on the 8th ring.

“hello?”

“hey mim. i’m calling to give you case’s new address.”

“ok, let me get a pencil.” (side note: everything is a pencil. a pen is a pencil, a crayon is a pencil, a marker is a pencil, a pencil is a flamingo. just kidding. a pencil is a pencil. just making sure you’re paying attention)

she comes back to the phone. “ok, i’m ready.”

so i proceed. “2-1-0-8.”

she repeats. “2-1-0-8.”

then i say “vista. v…”

“z?”

“no, V. as in victor, victory, victorious.”

“s?”

“no. V. AS IN VIVIAN.”

“z?”

“NO. ok listen. VISTA. write these letters down. V-I-S…”

“z-r-l.”

my head begins to throb. “no mimi. let’s do something else. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuV!”

“z?”

“NO! do you know the alphabet?”

she laughs. “yes i know the alphabet.”

“then what comes after u?”

so she begins reciting the alphabet to me. she gets to the letter t and i swear to god she starts adding in letters that don’t exist in the english version of the alphabet. i say, “hold on, hold on. i’m not even sure what language you’re speaking. is that russian?”

“who?” she says.

ugh. “never mind. listen mimi. V. AS IN VIC-TOR-Y.

“v?”

YES! THAT’S IT! YOU GOT IT!

so she writes v. then i say, “i-s-t-a.”

she repeats it perfectly. awww. first word down. only 4 to go. next word. view. oh crap. there’s that fucking letter v again.

so i say, “the next word is view. v-i-e-w.”

“stream?”

“no. VIEW. like the show on tv in the morning with barbara walters?”

“i don’t watch that show.”

“you don’t have to watch it to know what it’s called. what’s the name of it?”

“oh, i don’t know. it’s got that black woman on there i don’t like. what’s her name?”

now i’m headed to the liquor cabinet. it’s 9 o’clock in the morning, but i don’t care. i suddenly feel the urge to do tequila shots. “whoopi goldberg?”

“yes, that’s the one. i’ve never liked her.”

“that’s great. what’s the show she’s on called?”

“the barbara walters’ show?”

“IT’S NOT CALLED THE BARBARA WALTERS’ SHOW. IT’S CALLED THE VIEW. VIEW. VIEW. VIEW.”

“i’m sorry, honey. i just can’t understand what you’re saying. maybe you should tell the address to your mama and she can tell me.”

“you think you’re gonna understand her better than me? we talk EXACTLY THE SAME. now listen to me woman. we are going to do this if it kills us.”

“ok.”

“you know the word you just wrote down?”

“yes.”

“ok, the second word starts with that same letter. V.”

“z?”

oh for the love of pete. it’s now clear why she wanted me to do this. i don’t have a gun in the house. most everone else in my family does. any one of them would have blown their brains out by now.

“t, u, V.”

“oh, v.”

“YES! that’s it! v-i-e-w.”

she repeats the letters exactly as i say them.

“oh, view. why that’s the name of that show barbara walters is on in the morning.”

“i know.”

“you know, i’ve never cared for that black woman that’s on there. what’s her name?”

i roll my eyes and let out a sigh. “whoopi goldberg.”

“yes, that’s it. i don’t think she’s funny.”

“i’m sure she’d be devastated to hear that.”

“what’s that?”

“i said, let me finish giving you this address before we miss the presidential election.”

she laughs, but i would bet a million dollars she has no idea what i said.

we get through the city, state and zip code with relatively few breakdowns in communication. it’s a good thing too. my faculties had all but left the building.

we talked a few minutes longer and then she said, “well, i better let you go. i need to go put in my hearing aids so i can hear worth a darn today.”

i interrupted her. “wait. you don’t have your hearing aids in?”

“no,” she said. “i usually wait until i’ve had a shower.”

“why didn’t you tell me…” and then i stopped. what would be the point? so the woman can’t hear. she’s 84 for christ’s sake! i hope to one day drive my own grandkids crazy.

we said goodbye and i checked the time. 10 o’clock. i hurried into the bedroom and turned on the barbara walters’ show. you know what? i don’t much care for whoopi goldberg either. my grandmother is right. she’s not very funny.