open letter to my inner fat girl

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(edit: there’s nothing wrong with your computer. i posted this previously posted post again for reasons i will explain later–or not. i’ll probably forget to do that.)

dear porkzilla,

something has got to give. your overindulgence is becoming a problem for me and my jeans. i feel it’s necessary to address your chips and queso addiction head-on.

first, just because there’s a perfectly good and gooey cinnamon roll left on the plate doesn’t mean you have to inhale it in one bite–or at all. you could just as easily throw it in the garbage can or walk outside and hurl it out onto the yard. birds need food too.

a bag of m&m’s left carelessly in the backseat of the car doesn’t require you to shove a fistful in your mouth and then audibly moan at its chocolaty goodness. no. plus all that red dye isn’t good for our complexion. i think. or something like that. anyway, m&m’s are NOT the answer.

and contrary to what you may have heard, donuts are NOT the new black. although if you don’t stop eating donuts we’ll only be able to wear black so we can try and mask the obvious many rolls that have collected in our belly region. black is not a miracle worker, it is merely a color.

pizza looks tasty, i know. and one piece of cheese or veggie pizza is probably not a bad food decision. however, eating 1/2 a large pepperoni pizza IN THE CLOSET SO NO ONE WILL FIND US–AND POSSIBLY WANT SOME–AND BY GOD WE ARE NOT SHARING!–sends a message that says, “i think i have a problem.” that’s just a guess. i could be wrong, but i doubt it.

now, this next part is going to be a little tricky because i don’t want to offend you, but the drinking has gotten out of hand. oy vey, you and your pinot grigio. exactly how many calories do you think is in one glass? and while we’re discussing ‘glass’ size, an iced tea glass filled to the top does not count as 1 glass of wine. it’s like 3. and if you’re able to fit an entire bottle of wine in a ‘glass,’ that does not count as 1 either. you might want to go back to school and re-learn math. just a thought. i know it’s easy to want to gloss over liquid calories, but they’re there and they count. life’s a bitch–get over it.

and here’s a thought–eat a salad. you are not going to die without cheeseburgers and fries with cheese and bacon and jalapenos. i know this sounds preposterous, but lettuce and tomato will sustain you. crazier things have happened.

look, you may not care that when we pass by a mirror it takes our ass 5 minutes to catch up, but i do. i don’t like that it looks as if we’re holding someone hostage in the back of our pants. and people are starting to get suspicious because it appears to be moving independently of us. i don’t want to have to explain to the police that no, we did not kidnap an overweight kid and shove him in our jeans, that’s just our ass and he likes to dance a jig.

do whatever you need to stop the madness. eat lean cuisines, do 50 jumping jacks after every bite of food, hell, buy ADD medication off the internet. what could it hurt? i know m&m’s are not the answer, but maybe taking speed is.

just please stop eating everything you see. despite recent events, you are NOT a garbage disposal. and i refuse to buy bigger clothes.

sincerely,the bitch who runs this ship who will kick your ass if you don’t get control of yourself.

just say no! (to mexican food)