mimi, my 84 year old grandmother, is quite the busy body. and i don’t mean that in a negative way–she doesn’t gossip (much more than any other woman) and she doesn’t get in your business (unless she thinks your messing up your life). but what she does do is keep tabs on the goings on of her neighbors and reports the happenings (which are usually benign–nothing too salacious yet) to those of us who call her. she lives on the lake and enjoys watching the boats drive past her house and she feeds the ducks regularly (and then complains about them coming up in her yard–you do the math). she doesn’t leave her house much these days because her feet hurt (but don’t get me started on this–it’s a very long story with no ending) so she spends a lot of time keeping an eye on the place–the lake, her yard, her neighbors, etc.
2 weeks ago she reported to me that a snake was seen on her dock. she sat on the back porch, fascinated by it, sipping a beer and smoking a cigarette. by the way: not a poster child for the surgeon general’s warning on smoking. my grandmother has been addicted to nicotine since she was 19 and is in better health than most non-smokers her age. and the drinking? she has several every day–only beer and not the expensive kind. point to ponder: there is expensive and non-expensive beer? i thought they were all basically the same price. maybe i should pay more attention….anyway, she’d been sitting there watching this snake, which was said to be about 4 feet long, and she found it thrilling.
the snake went away and came back the next day around the same time. and then the next, and the next. she was entranced by this slithering beast and talked about it with me on the phone. “my snake was back yesterday,” she’d say.
then she called to tell me that she wanted one of the boys to come over and shoot it. “WHY?” i asked rather loudly. (she can’t hear anything–you have to scream at her) and she said, “i don’t want him to come near my porch.”
“mimi,” i said, “snakes don’t eat little old women–especially one who’s holding a cigarette in one hand and a keystone light in the other.”
she laughed, but i knew as soon as we hung up the phone she would start calling and harassing my cousins and my brothers until one of them agreed to come over and “take care of it,” sopranos style.
i didn’t hear from her for a couple of days and then met her and my mom and my aunt for lunch late last week. i’d forgotten about the snake until she brought it up.
“you know my snake that’s been sitting on my dock every day?”
“yes,” i said, “did you kill it yet?”
“well, that’s what i wanted to tell you.” and then she turned a funny shade of red and started laughing, nervously. “i couldn’t get any of the boys to come over and help me–they’re all busy you know.” (in case you didn’t get that, that was her passive/aggressive side showing)
i rolled my eyes and said, “busy doing what, no one knows.” (in case you didn’t get that, that was my smart ass side showing)
she sat up straighter in her seat and…(and then i did too–have you ever noticed that? if someone sits up straighter or rubs his nose or clears his throat, you subconsciously will too? weird, huh)…leaned closer and said, “so i asked my neighbor, richard, if he would go down to the dock and shoot the snake. i told him what time the snake is there every day and he agreed to do it.”
she took a sip of her water and i said, “well?”
“so richard went down there the next afternoon and i watched as he got closer to the dock. and then he stopped, scratched his head, and came up to my porch. he said, ‘mrs. may, i don’t know how to tell you this, but that’s not a snake–it’s a shadow.’”
and then my grandmother nearly died from embarrassment. in fact, as she was telling us this story she almost fell out of her chair from laughing so hard. after pulling herself together she said, “and then he felt bad for me–because i’m a crazy old woman and all, and told me to tell everyone that he took care of the snake. but i couldn’t do that so i’ve been telling everybody the truth–that i’m ccrraaazzzyy.” and then she started laughing all over again.
i couldn’t help but laugh too. my poor mimi. she thought a shadow was a snake. and really, we should have put 2 and 2 together. what snake comes around at the same time every day, lays in the same position, and then vanishes?
and you know what i told her? i patted her on the back and told her she should drink more.
not really. i told her it’s ok that she mistook a shadow for a snake. it could happen to anyone. hell, i hope that one day i’ll be 84 and imagining things that aren’t there. we should all be so lucky.
xo
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That story was hysterical…until the point where I laughed so hard that COFFEE came out of my nose (IT BURNS! IT BURNS!). I think you need to add a “dummy warning” in legalese to your website:
CAUTION this website may cause abnormal bouts of hilarity, resulting in bodily injury or worse, injury to the pride. Put down all hot drinks prior to reading. Adult diapers for those who have birthed children are recommended.
sorry for the nose burnage.
i like that warning label idea. you know, the editor at the magazine DID put a warning at the top of my column–but not because it’s too funny, but because some folks took my stories too seriously. i was called a bad mother and a horrible wife–one reader exclaiming “POOR TOMMY!”
what-ever. i am SOOOO a good mother….right? and “poor tommy” my ass!
raise your hand if you think my grandmother is too cute!
Mimi sounds so cute! My gramps is 84 too! Read my “The 84 year old who needs a Blackberry” on my blog to see what I mean!
PS Your blog does need a warning label!!!
Agree with Moni.
is your 84 year old grandfather single? and can he hear? does he still drive so as to take the mimster out for dinner–say 4pm to luby’s?
does he, too, imagine things that aren’t there?
i smell a love connection in the air.